Written by IainB
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Monday, 28 May 2012

image for Monopoly updated to reflect the current economic uncertainty
If you run out of cash, the game now also has a credit card and payday loan feature to see you through until it's your tu

Monopoly, the world's most popular bored game, has had several incarnations, mainly by using different cities or the Simpsons. Now, MasterBate games have announced that the game will be getting its first major revision since the addition of the Scotty dog piece.

"We felt that in an age of austerity, economic downturn and mass unemployment," said Monica O'Polly, the driving force behind the new version, "that Monopoly was behind the times, out of date, and lacking in a sense of modernism."

Gone from the game is the concept of Community Chest cards, in its place is the more realistic Welfare State cards. No longer is there a Get Out of Jail Free card, instead there is a Up For Parole card. Additionally, the number of crimes that result in going to jail has been increased in line with the modern judicial system.

"In previous versions of the game, you would go move around the board and snap up properties by use of a dice," said O'Polly. "This has been replaced by a Congestion Charge, where you pay money to advance through the streets of London. Additionally, it being London, there is no such disparity in prices between Old Kent Road and Mayfair. Instead, everything is unaffordable."

Before, Monopoly allowed for the purchase of hotels and housing for any sets that were owned. This, too, has gone, replaced with the more realistic system of already having every square densely populated with housing and hotels, which are all expensive to stay at. Houses can be bought, but only if the person holding the bankers card agrees. Fortunately, every twelve turns the banker is sacked.

Players that land on one of the job squares can get a job as an Underground train driver, or work for the Utilities. There are additional job squares for being a bus driver or a nurse. These are the only squares where the player can earn money. For the rest of the game, they are not referred to as players, but payers. It is impossible to move off these squares without picking up a payday loan card.

Those payers who have insufficient funds to advance around the board can take a doss house card and hopefully spend the rest of the game under one of the board's two bridges eating pigeons. For most payers, this is the final outcome. Others can avoid this state by successfully getting a credit card.

In any one iteration of a game, one player will always land lucky, and earn enough money to own some property on the board. This will ensure that they are the eventual winner, once all the remaining payers have lost their job and gone to live under a bridge.

"The game used to only allow six people to play simultaneously," said O'Polly. "The game can now accommodate twelve million simultaneous players. However, there will still be only one winner, and that's the one that figures out how to cheat the system. Much more realistic, I'm sure you'll agree."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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