Written by Aspartame Boy
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Tuesday, 22 May 2012

image for JP Morgan begging
Hey! You!! Jackass, got a quarter?

NEW YORK - JP Morgan issued a press release at a press conference today stating that they had to stop buying anything. This has nothing to do with the fact that they lost billions of dollars, the exact amount unknown.

CEO, JD, stated that the reason they had to stop spending money is because they hit the two dollar minimum. There is a law that requires you to have two dollars in cash in your pocket at all times. JD indicated that in order to comply with that, they will need to stop all expenditures ASAP.

In the meantime, JD is not worried about the so called losses.

"Banks can't lose money! That's silly. The money belongs to us. We create it and lend it out. So its always ours. Don't be ridicules. If it does not come back to our bank,it will come to another one in the cartel.

"We just ran out of cash. The feds will print some more as soon as they find another forest to chop down.

"Uh, anyone got a quarter?", JD asked. At that point, I walked out.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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