Written by Suzy Smile
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Friday, 21 April 2006

image for Gazprom warns the world to let them Blow
Bush, not impressed by the SMEL

Gazprom, one of the main suppliers of natural gas to Europe, has warned that blocking its plans to expand methane production across the region will advance global warming.

The Russian company has recently indicated it wants to expand its operations, with speculation centred on a possible bid for the UK & US markets.
Gazprom have pioneered the use of methane as a viable alternative to traditional energy methods by using human gas emissions. This has so far been used on prisoners. This not only fuels the town in which the prison is based, but pays for the prison itself. With prisons paying for themselves, the Russian government has been able to fund more institutions for criminals. In addition to this the Justice Authorities have been able to hand out tougher sentences. Thus enabling each town to have its own prison and energy source. Criminals are fed a diet which promotes flatulence, such as peas, beans and broccoli and then spend three hours sat on a Simple Methane Energy Lifter (SMEL).

Gazprom, who have patented SMEL, wants to be a global player.

Company boss Alexi Miller explained that competition has been intensifying for energy resources and Gazprom could turn to other markets including China. Although there have been reservations about this as it is said that if all Chinese were to pass wind at once, the earth would be thrown of its axis.

There have been minor complaints from Russians about the pollution which sometimes escapes if there is SMEL overload. And there has been suggestion that in Winter months when energy levels are stressed, some petty criminals have found themselves behind bars.

Sylvia Bogassheetchict a well known Russian Campaigner complained ‘I was put in prison when I failed to cross a road at the designated pedestrian crossing. I think that a two month sentence is tough for such a small crime. I went on hunger strike to protest but was force-fed Brussel sprouts until I gave in. The SMEL is an uncomfortable gadget.'

In a statement about the opposition, Gazprom said ‘we just want to help countries help themselves, cleaner streets, cleaner living and a cleaner planet'.

When questioned George Bush commented that he was not convinced by Gazprom's claim of the ‘sweet SMEL of success'

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