New York City - The collective IQ of Wall Street executives has dropped below the mental retardation level for the first time ever, prompting the Federal Reserve to impose the "too dumb to fall" provisions of the Barney Frank Act.
Implementing a sweeping bailout package, Fed Chairman Benjamin Bernanke tapped into the government's reserve of senior scooters, and issued a motorized chair to any executive on Wall Street who holds a management title or a key to the Goldman Sachs' executive restroom.
"These puppies have been dealing in dumb ideas for so long, most of them have forgotten how to walk," Bernanke said. "Hopefully, they will still have the mental capacity to learn how to operate a chair. The plan is to have them master turning before they hit the harbor."
Other provisions of the bailout law remove all sharp and otherwise dangerous objects from the reach of the Wall Street fraternity. These include knives, forks and credit default swaps.
"What we have to do first is protect these Wall Streeters from themselves," the Fed Chairman stated. "They have been sitting around for the past few years coming up with really idiotic investment concepts, and then betting on them, using their clients' money. That's why we're including a gift membership to Gamblers Anonymous with every bailout kit issued."
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who made a fortune on Wall Street stealing other people's ideas, challenged the federal government's assessment that the Wall Street elite have gone from being "the smartest guys in the room" to "please help me wipe my behind."
"These IQ numbers are all wrong," the mayor said. "If you want good numbers, come to Bloomberg. Bloomberg will give you good numbers. Bloomberg's got the best numbers money can buy."
Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve has begun an IQ Easing round to make up for Wall Street's deficit in brainpower. The Government Engraving Office has been authorized to print 40,000 advanced economics degrees, which will be distributed to the city's cab drivers.
"A program similar to this worked for the Wizard of Oz during the last Depression," Bernanke said. "Sorry, they told me not to use the D word."