It's a whodunnit like no other.
Most agree that the two likeliest suspects are the first couple. No, not Barack and Michelle. The real first couple -- Adam and Eve, first residents of the Garden of Eden. But neither one will own up to the deed.
Eve claims that Adam is the guilty party, saying, "He's a pig. Just like any barnyard pig, when he's hungry he'll eat anything in sight."
On the other hand, Adam points the finger of blame squarely at Eve, reminding the world, "In ancient times she took a bite of the apple and got us all into trouble. And then she went and did it again when Apple was founded. She's a repeat offender. That's that."
Adam is so sure he's right he held a press conference in NYC's Grand Central Station to defend himself and lay out the case against Eve. Addressing astonished commuters, he said, "If you're talking about something like a half-empty bag of pretzels or even a Budweiser missing a few slurps, I'd step up to the plate as your perp. But an apple? Fugheddaboudit!"
He went on to report that it's Eve who's into all that healthy-eating stuff, saying, "Sadly, the little woman just can't get enough of apples. She even uses apple-scented soap and apple-based face cream. It's an obsession with her. Go figure."
Unfortunately Adam had to cut the press conference short, since the police arrived to cart him off to jail. Not for theft. It was because he was wearing nothing but a large fig leaf -- a leaf that apparently wasn't quite large enough, as he was arrested for indecent exposure.
Sources say that Eve went to visit Adam in jail. She came bearing gifts: a box of freshly-baked apple tarts and a jug of apple cider.
Meanwhile an ancient serpent slithers along silently in the Garden of Eden. He's smiling, because he has a secret. He loves apples. When he sees one, he can't resist taking a bite out of it.