Written by Simon Saunders
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Tuesday, 1 May 2012

image for Murdoch "Unfit To Run News Corp" Claim MPs
The MP's findings will be the last of Murdoch's worries if God's investigation goes against him.

The parliamentary culture committee today concluded what most of us already knew, Rupert Murdoch "is not a fit and proper person to exercise the stewardship of a major international conpany." In other words, he stinks.

After a lengthy inquiry into the bleeding obvious they have also concluded that Mr Murdoch, once a member of 'The A-Team', had shown a "wilfull blindness" to goings on at the now defunct News of the World. A trait shared by Arsenal football manager, Arsene Wenger, whenever any of his players do anything incriminating.

The main star of the culture committee, five times Open golf winner and current Labour MP Tom Watson, reckons that today is an historic day. He said, "I may of won eight majors in my golf career but this surpasses all of that. Mr Murdoch and his company have displayed that they cannot be trusted to operate such a large media company. Christ, I wouldn't even trust them to caddy for me. Never again shall any individual or company be able to exercise such power over political figures and the police."

Rupert Murdoch's son, James, who is currently News Corp's Head of Tea Making, doesn't fair much better in the report. The committees findings suggest that he is incompetent.

Some members of the committee, strangely enough the Tory ones, claim the report is "partisan."

We spoke to James Murdoch about being branded as incompetent. He responded somewhat confusingly, "Have you been talking to my wife? That's a private matter. Besides, I've got some of my old man's Viagra now so it shouldn't be a problem anymore."

We explained that we were asking about the committee suggesting he was incompetent, not impotent. He said, "Oh, sorry about that. You won't use what I just said will you? Anyway, would you like a tea or coffee? Bloody hell, sorry about that. It's this new job, I keep asking everyone the same thing. Right, I'm not allowed to comment on any of this because Dad won't let me. He's grounded me as well. He's confiscated my PlayStation too. It's so unfair."

Meanwhile, a separate investigation being conducted by the almighty God has yet to decide if Rupert Murdoch is a "fit and proper person to continue breathing." God's decision is expected sometime early next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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