Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 1 May 2012

image for Sparks and Mensa launch new bed linen range
It doesn't matter if the tan rubs off, so get a good nights sleep

Sparks and Mensa, the high street department store for the highly intelligent, have moved into the bed linen market with a new range of bed sheets in fake tan colour.

"We're doing pillow cases, fitted sheets and flat sheets in three shades of fake tan," said marketing manager, Mark Spencer. "There is your basic tan colour, too much tan colour and the Only Way is Essex range, for people who are serious about their fake tan."

The new range of bed sheets is a massive boon to customers in Sparks and Mensa's Essex branches, literally flying off the shelves during the recent gales, because somebody left a door open.

"I think they're brilliant," said Davina Garter-Belt. "I used to have white satin sheets on my bed, but after a tanning session at Tan-Tastic I'd notice that a lot of fake tan would wipe off as I slept. Well, I say slept. While I was in bed, shall we say?"

This meant that Davina, among others, were having to wash their bed sheets every night. The new range matches the shade of fake tan exactly, meaning that the sheets can be washed once a week instead, with nobody any the wiser.

"They're so much nicer than black sheets," said Davina, "which was my alternative. They're surprisingly sensually silky."

The new sheets are designed with high temperature washing and tumble drying in mind, allowing purchasers to buy just one sheet, something Mark Spencer feels is important in these frugal times. He has made a remarkable discovery since launching the range.

"We've discovered that we don't need to sell sheets for single beds," he said. "Apparently, people who have a fake tan don't have single beds. Our biggest seller is the king sized linen range. And not just because they're larger. More people are buying them too!"

With the success of the fake tan coloured sheets, Sparks and Mensa will be looking into selling other colours, such as deep crimson for haemophiliacs and mustard yellow with a carrot pattern for those people who binge drink before bed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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