Royal Mail announced today that after discussions with union chiefs, a new plan had been thrashed out to keep mail delivery staff jobs secure for the foreseeable future.
Instead of reducing manpower, Royal Mail are to reduce horsepower. A plan is in place to replace half of their fleet of delivery vans, with pack mules, a move which would take the postal service back to levels not experienced since Victorian times.
The postal giant now plans to spend half of its original £70m vehicle budget on new vans, and invest almost £15m on a fleet of mules which will operate throughout the country.
After initial trials showed that the parcel delivery service could be affected by the changeover to the other kind of "horse power", it was decided that the van fleet will be used to transport heavier items, and the pack mule service would be solely used for letters.
Service manager for Royal Mail, Frank Stamp, told us that the public wouldn't notice any difference to the arrival times of posted letters. "We anticipate that a letter sent first class from Liverpool to Manchester will arrive in less than four days, which is only one day more than it takes at present, and considering we will be taking hundreds of vehicles off the road, I'm sure the public will embrace the move to reduce our carbon footprint".
Mr Stamp was asked about the thousands of tons of extra donkey shit that would be appearing on the roads of Britain in the future, he replied "Royal Mail will be recruiting nationally, over 2500 dung removal operatives. This will provide a golden opportunity for the unemployed of this country to find work, and give people a bright new future within Royal Mail.