In a bold move to cut the UK trade deficit, Chancellor, George Osborne has taken the bold move of taxing packed lunches, at a standard rate of £2 per packed lunch.
Critics say that the move is ludicrous and unworkable, and that it will only lead to the public hating the government even more than they already do.
Chancellor Osborne has countered the criticism by saying publicly that the taxation measure will be introduced, and further, that it will be easily workable, with stiff on the spot fines for people who fail to comply with the new legislation.
And while it may not be good news for the rest of us, it certainly is for Lunchbox Jax, a Dorking based manufacturer of high tech lunchboxes.
A leaked document appears to suggest that the measure will be made workable, by way of declaring all lunchboxes currently in circulation illegal, and officially endorsing Lunchbox Jax lunchboxes as the only legal form of lunchbox in the United Kingdom.
The Lunchbox Jax lunchboxes are to be manufactured with an inbuilt GPS system and an online debit card facility, which would allow lunchbox users to prepay the £2 for their packed lunches over the internet. Any unpaid for packed lunches will be red flagged to scanners which will be carried by a 200,000 strong army of Lunchbox Inspectors*, and offenders will be spot fined and possibly even given a good kicking , depending upon the severity of the infraction.
(*On an annual salary of £90k pa)
Lunchbox Jax lunchboxes are to be chipped and rushed into production ASAP, probably retailing for about the same price as iPad 3's, but minus the "interesting" component.
Following severe criticism from top telly chef, Jamie Gulliver, the Prime Sinister responded by saying:
"Let's be perfectly clear on this - it's going to take a huge amount of private investment to supply the lunchbox market with Lunchbox Jax lunchboxes, but it is an essential requirement. We must monitor and tax lunchboxes for the public good. Not that we're rapidly becoming even worse than the Nanny State government which we replaced - but would you feel comfortable sending your child to school, or your husband to work with an illegal lunchbox? Filled with shit like Cornish pasties, packets of jacket potato flavoured crisps, or salmon paste sandwiches? Of course not! So we'll just lob another stealth tax in there. We're bloody good at that, don't you know. And, lest we forget - we're providing an additional 200,000 real jobs, for our chums, who aren't really capable of much else. We look after our own we do."
In related news - George Osborne has apparently been "outed" as Managing Director of Lunchbox Jax Lunchboxes (Dorking) PLC.
Not that we're suggesting here at Skoob News that they're all in it to line their own pockets as usual. Heaven forbid!
More as we get it.