Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 15 March 2012

image for U.S. Economy Stronger; Bubble Gum and Condom Sales Skyrocket
Perhaps consider wearing this one and chewing on the other.

Leading economic indicators show the U.S. economy growing stronger, influencing the recovery of world markets and bolstering consumer confidence. Non durable goods distributors report record sales on "feel good" items like bubble gum and condoms.

"It's hard to explain", says Allied Trucking Distribution Manager, Harry Fallis, "But when faith in the economy is good, we can't keep our retailers stocked with gumballs, condoms and other point of sale items near the retailer's cash register".

New York University Psychologist, Dr. Melvin Stankman proposed one possible answer to the phenomenon. "You know, people start to feel good about themselves again, the stresses of the last 10 recessionary years start to fade, it's time to treat yourself to something fun, you know?"

Referring to impulse purchases that take discretionary income out of your pocket, Dr. Stankman believes that we're more likely to toss a couple of quarters into a machine for a gumball or a couple of bucks down on a fresh box of condoms in the hope of a good night. "It's all about hope and feeling good again", says Stankman. "I feel like a fresh gumball and perhaps a little 'hide the salami' with the wife tonight as well!"

Stankman's mood may have been influenced by the recent awarding of a $50 Million grant to study the mating habits of gnats. "Hey man", said Stankman, "Don't harsh my buzz. The economy is picking up, life is good, go buy a gumball and some condoms and enjoy yourself".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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