In a surprise move, KFC has declared a switch from all things chicken to squirrel. Announcing the move last night, KFC CEO, R Sole, said: ‘This bird flu lark has really pissed us off. We have never shirked from selling diseased fried bird carcasses, but this has finally got on our tits for the last time.' ‘Our special secret recipe batter will enhance the yummy flavour of rodent meat as effectively as it has always masked……….erm, improved the taste of our poultry.'
Insiders say that Sole tried this once before on grounds of cost. ‘Not content with raising chickens in old Heinz Salad Cream bottles and plastic bags, the meany wanted to farm various large rodents in declassified underground bunkers, bought cheap from the US government.' A source close to Sole told PAP that the largely unreported outbreak of Mad Rat Disease put the kybosh on the plan. ‘We may push foul fowls onto our customers, but we do have certain standards' he said.
No date has apparently yet been set for the changeover but KFC are known to have been in recent discussions with Sheik Yamoney, Grand Vizier of Dubai. Rumours circulating in business circles have it that having been repulsed in his failed attempt at the purchase of several port operations, the Sheik is seeking to move into the US food market. Dubai is famous for its Bowels of the Martyr Catacombs and speculation is rife that the squirrels and as yet undetermined other rodents could be farmed in these ancient caves. Red O'Hair, inventor of the ‘Squir'l Spit Roast' told PAP that these underground conditions would give a ‘fine white, sweet meat'.
It is not widely known that Colonel Algernon Sanders, founder of the KFC empire had a fondness for rodent flesh himself. The Colonel suffered a nasty wound to his pocket whilst fighting for the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Ordered by a grateful General Ashley Butler to 'return to your home boy, and take care of the women folk', he travelled to his Kentucky mansion where he spent the remainder of the conflict bravely raising poultry. Unfortunately, starving rats took a heavy toll on his flocks and the Colonel shot so many of them that he decided to consume the beasts. In later life he could often be seen walking round his estate supported by his gold plated walking frame, seeking rats and mice for the pot, chanting 'Come on you Yankee devils, come to papa.'