Controversial 'Payday Loans' - short term loans offering cash at exhorbitant interest rates, which borrowers are supposed to pay back on the day their wages are paid - came under scrutiny today as a Dorking woman revealed that after borrowing £20, she currently owes the loan company £867 billion.
The woman, who cannot be named because she is fugly, explained that by paying back the loan a day late, she incurred interest charges on a daily basis, and after going on a three day drinking binge, she was shocked to find a letter on her doormat demanding immediate payment of £12,978 in accrued interest charges, or she could face losing her home.
The woman immediately contacted the Citizens Advice Bureau, who asked the loan company to suspend further interest payments for a month, to give the woman a chance to sort out her affairs.
The loan company flatly refused, and issued multiple late payment penalties, threatened court action, and told the woman in no uncertain terms that if she didn't pay the revised outstanding amount of £7,986,493 immediately, that they would send a man round with a baseball bat to break her legs and kill her children.
Mercifully, things didn't go that far, as the woman's MP intervened, by way of sending the loan company a strongly worded letter. The loan company's response was to take possession of the woman's house, evicting her onto the streets with her children, auction off all her worldly possessions and have the man with the baseball bat beat the family's pet cocker spaniel to death in what was once their back garden.
Then they delivered the woman a summons, demanding £6 billion immediately, one kidney, three pints of bone marrow, one lung, eighty pints of blood over a two year period, and the rights to sponsor her ovaries.
At that point, the woman and her children went literally underground, setting up home in a drainage tunnel beneath a busy A-road.
The outstanding bill currently stands at £867 billion, and is rising daily, as the payday loan company continue to pursue the family for the outstanding amount.
Despite the woman donating several bodily organs and forcing her children into prostitution, not to mention becoming a drugs mule, a part time assassin, and voluntarily donating the entire family's bodies to medical science, the bill continues to rise.
"I don't know where I'll get that kind of money from," the woman complained. "It's beyond me, and the law does nothing whatsoever to protect me. Or me nippers. I've lost everything. I've got more debt than Greece, I've got TB through living in this drainage tunnel - and Weil's Disease, crabs, rabies and scabies, and stress like you wouldn't believe. And now me knee caps are disintegrating - I can't take much more of this. The bloke with the baseball bat calls round every day and batters the kids to sleep - and all this for the sake of twenty quid. I wouldn't bother, but I only wanted the twenty quid to buy us a nice fish and chips, a packet of fags and a couple of litre bottles of strong cider of a Friday night. Now I've lost everything..."
Prime Minister David Cameron was given a standing ovation in the house at PMQ's when he responded to a challenge about the immorality of payday loans by a Labour Party back bencher, when he said:
"Let's be perfectly clear on this - we told the bankers to get their house in order a while ago. And they've responded magnificently. The banks were in a bad place not so long ago, but now they're reporting that they're owed £549,810,319,604,215,649,812 and seventy six pence. And when we introduce extortionate stealth taxes and open up concentration camps for the chavs and the plebs, the feckless and the workshy, we'll have finally turned the corner, getting the economy back on track, just like we promised we would."
The payday loan company involved, Black Arse Extortion PLC refused to discuss individual cases with our SBN (Skoob Business News) reporter, adding that we shouldn't worry because their corporate catchphrase is: "We'll get our fucking chunk by hook or by crook - don't you sweat it."
In related news, the banker who spent £205,000 on a night out on the piss with his creepy cronies denies that he funded the binge by way of a payday loan. Which could be regarded as a bonus.
More as we get it.