Written by Mark Garrison

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Wednesday, 7 March 2012

image for Apple Announces New Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn

San Francisco, CA - Apple Inc. today announced the next generation of their rainbow-shitting unicorn, the "New Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn."

The name surprised the entire unicorn-blogging world after wide speculation that the latest Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn would be called the Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn 3 or the Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn HD.

As expected, Apple's stock price benefitted from the announcement and rose so fast that every single recession the nation has ever seen was deleted from the history books.

The New Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn has quad-core rainbow-shitting abilities and can even shit rainbows in high definition.

The new unicorn even has new retinas that can see what it's shitting on twice as fast as the old rainbow shitter.

And amazingly, the New Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn still has all of the rainbow-shitting power of the old unicorn. The new unicorn can still shit rainbows for over ten hours without dying.

Apple also announced a new model of rainbow-shitting unicorn pony that turns all of your television programming into super special deluxe magical awesomeness.

The new unicorn was expected to cost more due to it's new shitting abilities, however, Apple has decided to still only charge one arm and two legs instead of the rumored "all limbs."

Apple even lowered the price of the old rainbow-shitting unicorn to a much more reasonable "firstborn son."

Other manufacturers responded by committing mass suicide upon hearing Apple's announcement. Samsung's CEO was reportedly in his private jet during the speech and immediately commandeered the plane and crashed it into a field of rainbow-shitting unicorns upon hearing the news.

Google responded to the announcement by announcing a Skittles-shitting mule that collapsed whenever a rider sat on it and died after thirty minutes of shitting Skittles.

The new unicorn will be available on March 16. It is rumored that it will be followed by the "Newer Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn" which will be followed by the "Newest Rainbow-Shitting Unicorn" which will be followed by the "iJesus."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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