Written by Evan Essence
Print this

Tuesday, 7 March 2006

image for Bush Promises Free Lunches For All
Free lunch...served by Chinese workers...for all Americans

Washington, D.C. -- Reversing a longstanding metaphor from economics, George W. Bush, on Friday, said that there actually is such a thing as a free lunch. Under his economic plan, nobody has to pay taxes, our nation doesn't have to export anything, and our government and its citizens can all spend unlimited amounts of money. Why didn't anybody think of that sooner?

The new economic philosophy, which has taken hold in Washington, is based on the idea that, simply issuing unlimited amounts of credit, in the form of low-interest, or interest-free loans, and the sale of government bonds, will pump enough money into the hands of consumers, that the economy will continue to escalate, ushering in a new era of unlimited prosperity.

In traditional economic thinking, the strength of a nation's economy, is based on its manufacturing output, and the value of the goods and services it provides to the international marketplace. When the USA was one of the leading producers of all industrial nations, the value of its currency soared, and the nation claimed its rightful position as the dominant economy in the world.

However, in recent years, with the globalization of the economy, and the outsourcing of American jobs, the underlying economic fundamentals have reversed. China now leads the other Asian nations, as the most productive industrial center in the world, with its slave laborers working for 16 cents/hour, and producing all manner of goods consumed by wealthy Americans. And every year, while the manufacturing sector of the US diminishes, the value of the US dollar continues to plummet, and the US has become the world's biggest debtor nation.

"That's OK," said Whitehouse press secretary Scott McClellan. "We don't have to produce anything. All we have to do is keep issuing more credit, and encourage our consumers to keep buying Asian goods. The Asians will be forced to keep buying our IOU's, because we are their largest market, and they know if our economy crashes, so will theirs.

In response to alarm over the rapid outsourcing of American jobs, Mc Clellan said, "That's OK. We really don't need to be working. That's something we can leave for the Asians to do. As long as we keep giving away low interest loans, and people keep taking out home equity lines of credit, they can spend as much money as they like. So there is really no reason for Americans to work at all.

A small group of critics have claimed that the traditional rules of economics still hold, and that there still is no such thing as a free lunch. They have claimed that increasing the nation's money supply, by continuously issuing more credit, will inevitably result in inflation. And as inflation increases, people will inevitably buy gold as a hedge against inflation. Already, the price of gold has more than doubled, during Bush's term in office. Most analysts are predicting a continued meteoric rise in the price of gold, as investment firms and central banks continue to buy gold to diversify their holdings. There could come a time, in the not so distant future, when Asian investors decide that they would prefer to buy gold than American bonds, which are acknowledged to be of no fundamental value. And the choices of millions of investors, who prefer gold to American bonds, is not something that is under our control. With nobody willing to buy America's worthless debt, our credit-based economy could soon come tumbling down.

Make Evan Essence's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 4 plus 5?

8 10 24 9
47 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more