Written by Mitchell Kramer
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Sunday, 12 February 2012

NYC, NY - In New York City, the rich and successful initiated Protests in Hells Kitchen on Friday in hopes of illuminating the injustice done to them by the 99%. Their main reason for the protest lies in the numbers of their opponents name.

The "99%" holds a significantly larger portion of the 100% granted to the two groups. Hedge Fund CEO Holden MacArthur has risen to the front of the battle thus far. He elaborates, "We the 1% feel that we are unjustly being placed in a minority demographic. There are two groups in this fight, and we feel that simply because we drive better cars, live in better areas, and take home more each year does not make us lesser beings. The mere fact that the 99% is 98% more powerful is preposterous. Their rallies and protests should not be looked at as a righteous call to the poor man, but as a direct and deliberate attack against the 1% as a minority group."

When approached about this issue, the 99% dodged the questions and retreated back into their tents all at once. We were able to get a hold of one member of the 99%, who wishes to remain anonymous, that tells us, "The 1% is trying to steal the only thing we have left. They took our money and the good jobs, and now they want our name. I reckon we can sell them a few percent here and there, but we have to keep most of it to keep our strong name. I figure about a million dollars for a percent sounds fair enough."

Talks of purchasing the remaining 49% have been occuring among the wealthy protests, however there is a strong opposition. "All we want is 50%, enough to make it a fair fight." MacArthur explains, "We shouldnt have to buy our equality in the protesting community." More work has been done on the wealthy side to equalize the conditions among the two groups. The 1% has established an intricate and luxurious village of tents on 5th avenue, staking out their position. "Of course we dont live there, our servants do, but we're only there for a few hours a day." Fortune 500 CEO Phillip Tate explains.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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