Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 25 January 2012

image for Cameron admits the austerity measures haven't worked
The austerity measures didn't work, but by making them even more austere I'm pretty sure they will.

David Cameron has finally admitted that his plan to reduce the British debt figure hasn't worked. The debt figure is now ten percent higher than it was under labour, and has topped one trillion pounds for the first time in history.

"I know it sounds strange to admit that the plan didn't work," said Cameron, "when you consider that the debt figure has been going up and and up. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Cameron's big plan was to reduce government spending on unnecessary overheads, like staff, whilst simultaneously increasing taxation, and reducing the money spent on the welfare state.

"Oddly," admitted Cameron, "having less people in work with less money to spend appears to have caused a slump in growth. Who could have guessed that."

Cameron's plan was the opposite of that introduce by Labour, which was to increase public spending so that more people had jobs, and had more money to spend.

"The plan was a, uh, good one," Gordon Brown said. "It was working. The National Debt was on it's way down, happiness was on its way up, and more people could afford to buy branded goods at the supermarket. Yes, when the ConDems took over, debt was high. But it's higher now, isn't it?"

Brown puts his foresight and economical management down to the fact that he actually has a background in finance.

"This Osborne chap, he's a middle manager," said Brown. "They're rubbish with budgets."

Cameron has hit back at Brown's remarks. "The ConDems might be bad at managing the economy," he said. "But at least we're not unpopular Scottish dullards! We've been saddled with a debt caused by the previous administration. That is fact. Admittedly, what we thought would bring it down didn't. But hey-ho, I've still got a job, and I'm devilishly handsome."

Instead of adopting the Brown Fiscal Plan, Cameron insists that his austerity measures will eventually pay off.

"We're going to push ahead with our plan A," said Cameron. "It makes sense. We spend less, we tax more, the debt goes down, surely. Even if we have to spend nothing on anything and tax everybody at ninety percent, we'll get this debt down."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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