Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 16 January 2012

image for Red Carpet in Short Supply, Prices Skyrocket
Red carpet now in short supply

Thanks in large part to demands from the current awards show season, red carpeting of any style is in drastically short supply. Prices for anything red in fact, are now climbing fast according to industry insiders.

"We were caught a bit off guard this year", says flooring designer and carpeting style expert, Ivanna Shaggmore. Referring to a surprise up-tick in red carpet sales during the summer, the normal warehouse stock was apparently depleted just as award show season began. "Nothing is worse than a rug burn on your arse , and that's what it feels like when you can't fill an order", says Shaggmore with admitted experience in both the literal and the figurative perspective on rug burns.

Entertainment industry insider, Melvin Peepers, says that the red carpet crisis was exacerbated by the increased number of pointless award shows. "People's Choice, Golden Globes, MTV Awards, Lawrence Welk Memorial Music Awards. Everyone wanted red carpet for their walkways and party rooms". The summer shortage, according to Peepers, was apparently caused by Nevada brothels and the Hilton Hotel chain in California upgrading their flooring simultaneously. "Red's hot", claimed hotel princess Paris Hilton, who is thankfully no longer on any awards show invite list.

Carpet manufacturers like Berberville and Shagton claim that there is plenty of yarn, but not enough red dye for carpet production. "We can still buy it, but on the black market and at much higher prices. I expect that we had to cut the supply to other industries like the M&M company and stop sign manufacturers", says Berberville floor manager, Ty Loopsten. "After all the show must go on". A new shipment of dye is reportedly being delivered soon by armed guards. Loopsten expects other companies and industries that need the dye to be quite upset.

Without the primary color of red available elsewhere, M&M announced a new series of candy colors void of red, pink, orange or purple colors. "They're calling them Earth and Sky M&M's, which just means they're stuck with yellow, blue and green", says Loopsten. Stop signs will now be produced in yellow, looking awfully like yield signs, lipstick and nail polish companies are trying to market a new line of blue cosmetics.

"Whiners and have-nots", laughs Shaggmore. "We took the initiative and secured our own red dye supply. Everyone else can go dye themselves yellow". Realizing that she was touching her hair while making that statement, the red-haired Shaggmore added, "Of course darling, the carpet and the drapes are all natural here."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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