There was dancing in the streets of Mayfair last night, when The Chancellor, George Osborne refuted claims that living standards within the UK were falling.
Speaking during an off-the-record interview, he is reported to have said:
"I honestly can't understand what all the fuss is about. At the moment everything is super whizz-bang splendid, and I can only see it getting better."
"I mean to say, it's obvious that everyone's getting richer. Only recently Rolls-Royce announced that they have sold more cars and made more money than ever before. And the same goes for Bentley. Pity that they're both owned by foreigners now, but never mind."
"Also sales of champagne and truffles are at an all-time high, and I must say that all of my chums seem to be doing very well indeed."
"Even when I have to go to work it's glaringly obvious that people are better off. Do you know that out of the 29 members of the cabinet, 25 are millionaires! And if that's a representative sample of the country then we have more millionaires in Britain than the USA, Germany, France, The Gulf States, bits of Malaysia and Finland combined."
"You can't tell me that working people are worse off. Look at the money those poor people who have to work in the banks are getting paid in their bonus. Why, even those working-class types who have to run around playing football most Saturdays are on at least thirty grand a week."
"I must say that I'm getting a bit fed-up with all these people whinging about not having enough money to buy food, and heat their homes. You would have thought by the way they talk that they were poverty stricken. Everyone I know - with the exception of my cleaning staff of course, and they're Dutch or Polish or something, is accumulating more money than ever before. There really is no satisfying some of them."
"In fact, there's so much money around that we've just decided that those types who are lounging about on the dole, or one of those other holiday islands can afford to work for nothing...Another large brandy please Albert. Stick it on my expenses form will you, there's a good chap."
George Osborne has a rabbit called Dave.