Written by Inchcock
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Wednesday, 11 January 2012

image for Nottingham Outlets Suffer Drop in Customer Numbers
Seymoure Butts explains his drop in customer numbers below

The Nottingham Chamber of Commerce revealed today that outlets and traders in Nottingham have suffered a dramatic overall downfall in the number of customers through their doors in 2011.

Some businesses did increase their turnover, but only 10% reported doing so, leaving the other 90% struggling.

We relate the situation as on Upper Parliament Street, with details of one row of shops, up to Derby Road - followed by an interview with the owner/manager of the said outlet;

Reflux Wine Bar: Customer turnover 2011 - Down 19%
Interview with manageress: Phylis Upp

We caught up with Phylis as she was sat at the bar just after opening time, asking for her views on the trading conditions. After a few garbled utterances, she slid slowly off the stool, as she did, a voice from behind the bar shouted "Phylis's gone again Bert!"

Jobcentre Plus: Customer turnover 2011 - Up 32%
Interview with Manager R Sole:

Naturally, our business customers will be of a differing nature than other business's. But I would like to take this opportunity to ask our clients not to leave their crushed strong lager and energy drinks cans on the pavement outside the premises, as this attracts the beggars and street dwellers to collect them for recycling. And would customers please have a bath before coming in to sign on? Thank you.

Flares Nightclub: Customer turnover 2011 - N/A
Interview with Ex - Manager Pat McRotch :

HM Nottingham Prison refused to allow us to interview him, informing us he would be available in 18 months time.

Akhmed's Supermarket: Customer turnover 2011 - Down 52%
Interview with Owner Akhmed Khalidovich Zakayev:

We spoke with Akhmed after he'd finished throwing out a drunk who had mistaken the shop for the Jobcentre Plus. He told us; "Business has dwindled a lot here since they have taken the bribes from Sainsbury's and Tesco, to allow them to open their convenience stores nearby.... excuse me please..."
He went of to deal with a shoplifter, then returned to us half an hour later, having stemmed the blood coming from his cut lip, and continued; I thought it was bad enough when we were looted in the Nottingham Riots... this country is going to pot, talking of pot, we have pot noodles of offer it you'd like to buy some, two for £1.50?"

The Private Sex Shop: Customer turnover 2011 - Down 23%
Interview with Owner Seymoure Butts, of Darker Enterprises, which owns the shop

The Private Shop has been open in Upper Parliament Street for six years, and this is the first time we've had a drop in customers. I blame the internet, and other sex shops in the City who are cheaper than wot we are. People should realise that their films are made using immigrant shemale's, we get ours directly from Holland, Taiwan, and Bradford.

Councillor Con Collins was unavailable for an interview, but will contact us as soon as he returns from his paid-for fact finding trip to the Bahamas to study the benefits of micro-mesh butterfly nets in beach chalet's, in four weeks time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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