Written by Don Fulsom
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Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Cheapskates Ahoy! A new form of plastic surgery is now available, and it's completely painless and astonishingly cheap! A yet-to-be-named firm, which plans to launch other death-related ideas, has a motto: "Look Your Best at Your Funeral-on the Cheap!"

Here's how it works: As soon as you have been given an autopsy, non-certified yet semi-skilled surgeon-trainees (sometimes two or three at a time) go to work on your corpse's face. Using techniques they master at our rigorous ten-day online training sessions, these gifted GED grads make your death mask look many years younger! (Sorry, the firm will not deal with other body parts that may need remodeling.)

"Just think, your facial parts will look so great in the casket, many mourners will praise to Allah your beautiful appearance," the firm's foreign-born president said through a translator. (He refused to reveal just where he was born or whether he has a license to practice on dead bodies in the U.S.)

The best part of this unusual quasi-medical after-death procedure? The cost is usual under $500-a-corpse. Discounts for "quick and dirty jobs." The firm is advertising for "people who are good with a knife."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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