Cupertino, California -- Almost three months after his death, Steve Jobs continues to head Apple Inc., controlling the company from his special place in Hell through a combination of Wi-Fi, G4 and supernatural workarounds.
"I made a pact with the devil years ago," the deceased executive explained. "I told him he could have my immortal soul if he killed off Flash. I have to say, Satan is a man of his word. I arrived here in October, and by November, Adobe was announcing its phaseout of that piece of garbage software."
Mortal observers have a different perspective on how Jobs wound up under Beelzebub's thumb. They claim that millions of iPhone, iPod and iPad users silently cursed the Apple founder every time they were denied access to a video or a website as a result of Apple's ban on Flash.
"Frustrated computer users say the darndest things," Satan remarked. "In this case, most of them said, 'Steve Jobs can go to Hell.' And thanks to their curses, that's exactly where he will spend eternity."
Rather than debate his evil benefactor, Jobs described some of the new innovations he is working on.
"You know how iCloud provides users with external data storage so that they can free up memory on their computer? Well, this new application will do the same thing for people's brains, freeing up their memories so they have room to think. It's called iLobotomy."
The late Apple executive also expressed enthusiasm for a new app tentatively named ShopDrop. Combining aspects of a shopbot with the capabilities of Apple's Genius music selection program, the innovation takes the stressful decision-making out of shopping. It chooses what to buy, when to buy it and where to make the purchase. All that a user has to do is pay his credit card bill.
"Think of the hours this will save," Jobs said. "People will have time to ponder more important decisions, like picking which Republican presidential candidate they hate the most."
With visiting hours almost up, Jobs pulled a small slab-like device from his shirt pocket. "This is my favorite project of all. It's called iAir-Conditioning, but I can't seem to get it to work down here."