Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 20 December 2011

image for Local Entrepreneur Offers To Help Fuel Allowance Redistribution
Big Vern will give your cash to the more needy.

Don't need your pensioner's winter fuel allowance? Want to help someone who needs it more?

Well a local businessman is offering to take the hassle out of redistributing the annual government hand-out.

The scheme comes after a debate in the House of Lords yesterday during which it was argued that wealthy pensioners who didn't need the allowance - worth up to £300 - could pass it on to someone who did.

Passing on the payment has been proposed before, but finding someone to give the cash to has been a problem for many old folk.

But now a local entrepreneur offers to make the deal a lot easier.

'Big' Vern Sharples said: "Uh, yer - that's right enough, all right. What it is, see, is we'll take the bunce off anyone what don't need it and, er - yus - er, give it to someone what does."

Mr Sharples, who operates from the body shop behind Old Station Road, claims to have a "wide network" of needy customers who would welcome the payments.

"Some of my lads will be going door-to-door to fleece - er, ask the pensioners if they want to help out someone more needy. Or they can come here and hand over the bunce - no cheques, cash only please.

"We'll accept any amount from a monkey up to the full three ton."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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