Written by David F Mayer
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Topics: New Jersey, Jersey

Monday, 30 January 2006

image for Chemical Company Receives Patent for Air
After January 1, 2007, the World's Air Will No Longer Be Free

Global Chemical Corporation, headquartered in Passaic, New Jersey, has just received a patent on air. Beginning January 1, 2007, Global Chemical will begin sending bills to all persons and operators of equipment in the entire World that use air. Every person and air-breathing engine on Earth will be affected. Collection will be made through the tax services of the various governments that are signatories to the international patent treaties. This is required by several paragraphs in these treaties. Only Taiwan of the major industrial countries is not a signatory to the treaties.

What this will mean to the ordinary person is that he will be receiving an air invoice at the beginning of each month for air used during the previous month. The amount of the invoice will depend upon the age, weight, sex, and level of activity of the person. Failure to pay this bill will result in arrest for tax evasion and incarceration.

In addition, an air tax will be added to all fuel prices at the pump. It is expected that this will come to about $US 0.15 per gallon of gasoline and diesel fuel. Furthermore, all bonfires refuse incinerators, and similar equipment will be taxed similarly.

The effect on the World economy will be very large. Global expects first year revenues to exceed $US 250 billion despite the difficulties encountered in billing. After 10 years, Global anticipates annual revenues from the patent rights to air to exceed $US 1 trillion.

United Nations Economic Council chairperson Agabe M'wimba was flabbergasted upon hearing the news. "How can anybody charge for air? It is outrageous!" The United States Department of Commerce, whose Patent and Trademark Office issued the patent, has stated that its legal counsel has investigated the patent and found that it is completely legal. An anonymous source stated, "We don't write the patent laws, we just enforce them."

When asked about the ethics of patenting air, Global spokesperson Rita Clarke responded, "It is completely ethical. After all, drug companies are taking out patents on genes and proteins found in nature, which they did not invent, or sometimes even discover. We have recognized an opportunity to take advantage of the patent laws and we intend to pursue this opportunity. We are taking over proprietary rights to the World's air because we thought of it first.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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