Millionaire businessman, Gary Tubberson, owner of the multi-million Tubberson Packaging Corporation has revealed he has got to where he has in the business world by letting farts so smelly rival negotiators were forced to yield to his demands.
"If it weren't for my magical ability to eject foul stenches from my anus, I wouldn't be sitting here today", Tubberson said proudly while casually swinging on a luxurious revolving chair in his office.
Recalling a crucial moment 10 years ago when the company was on the point of liquidation, Tubberson spoke about how he forced the head of Agip Oil USA to sign a 6 year contract worth 250 milion dollars with his firm".
"That Agip deal was the moment I knew I could fart my way to the top. Pattersson [Agip's then CEO Frank Patterson} was holding out talking about concerns over the unpredictable price of oil back then. Little did he reckon how unpredictable my ass was to.
"US economy started to pick up and Gary Tubberson continued to be the most flatulent CEO in America. Who could stop him?"
"Things were getting tense so I locked the office door and began letting the most gruesome farts. It was just me and Patterson in the room. I had asked his associates to leave momentarily while "we discussed business" as it were (wry laughter). After a few minutes he complained how he couldn't breathe and put pen to paper. It was that simple".
Tubberson Packaging went from strength to strength from then on. Clinton's presidency started clicking, the US economy started to pick up and Gary Tubberson continued to be the most flatulent CEO in America. Who could stop him?
"My dad, who founded this company and whose position I inherited, taught me be to ruthless in business. You're swimming with sharks out there, men who'd sooner leave their wife than let their business slide. I'd be lying if I said my ability to let heinously potent farts didn't help me conquer these men".
Last year the Time Magazine wrote a feature on Tubberson Packaging and the burgeoning US packaging industry. They wrote of Gary Tubberson, "a man who has defied all the odds and who, with his uniqely gifted bowels, has shown that extremely smelly people can make a difference in this world and also attain great affluence".
"China has a bloodthirst for packaging right now. The good news is I read on the internet how Chinese businessman tend to be as averse to smelly farts as Americans - let the good times roll."
A determined Tubberson insists his company can expand and eventually go global. As if to signal his ambition Tubberson then let a real whopper forcing this interviewer to leave the room for a couple of minutes. Tubberson politely opened a window.
Upon re-entering the room, Tubberson went on, "I know that to really make it I have to crack that Asian market. China has a bloodthirst for packaging right now. The good news is I read on the internet how Chinese businessman tend to be as averse to smelly farts as Americans - let the good times roll. I can't wait to take them on. Just thinking about all that spicy Asian food out there, I could really outdo myself and, who knows, maybe make billions breaking into new markets".
Tubberson's wife, Jessica Tubberson-Grey, says she is willing to put up with her husband's "extra-terrestial" capacity to let bad farts and revels in the indulgences her husband's flatulence-driven financial empire allows.
"Gary is so thoughtful. He sleeps inside an airtight bubble (Headlines in tabloids read "Tubberson Packages Self In Bubble" upon finding this out) so I don't have to smell his output during the night - merciful heavens. He's great that way though. And with his wealth, I can buy whatever I want to including a whole manner of domestic air-fresheners. Having said that he can never quite seem to control his bowel movements when we are having sex... he tried using my tampons to stem the flow but it was useless. Oh well I suppose you have to take the gravel with the gold".
"No one has ever used the phrase "gravel with the gold" before", Gary Tubberson shouted, overhearing his wife's interview. "I could engineer that into some sort of commercial slogan. Thanks honey". He then farted with the excitement forcing everyone again to leave the room. All but his loyal grimacing wife.