Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Tuesday, 15 November 2011

image for "Evenin' All!" - Shop workers enticed to train as special constables for 2012
A shocked Liverpudlian is informed that the Metropolitan Police can offer him a job!!

The Metropolitan Police have asked retailers to free up shop staff on full pay (minimum wage?) to work as special constables with full Police powers...as in 'cannon fodder'...during the olympic Games debacle.

The programme called (ironically) ESP or Employer Supported Policing could help the poverty stricken Police fill the deficit in security personnel needed to protect London and the Olympic venues.

Alternatively, given the UK's unenviable record for fucking up even the simplest ideas it could turn into the biggest three-ringed-circus known to man. Moreso, considering the thousands of acne ridden, brain dead scroats currently flogging their knakers off in poundland, the 99p shop, Wickes, Tesco's, Homebase and other dead end jobs for next to nothing.

The thought of suddenly gaining full police powers and each becoming a sort of latter day Paul Kersey with their individual death wish must sound very inviting indeed!Allied to this, with no proper Police training, customer service skills or for that matter, how to actually spot or deal with a terrorist should they come face to face with one, we are talking serious 'chickens without heads' here!

Meanwhile, Community Support Officers, PCO's or cardboard cutouts if you prefer, are livid at the idea of untrained shop staff having more power than they have-other than the ability to consume most of Greggs Bakery stock on a daily basis.

Local job centres were today, informed that all staff leave will be cancelled due to the anicipated 'stampede' of street yobbo's signing up for some legal street aggro, complete with free uniform to boot.

A spokesthingy for Tesco said;"We are not happy about the idea of 'freeing up' any of our staff at the risk of being left short handed and losing profits, staff have been advised that if approached by the Metropolitan Police they should report it to a member of the Tesco security team immediately!If however, any staff member decides to piss off and leave us in the lurch then they are reminded that upon return to normal duty they will be on a disciplinary immediately and expected to have any time away from Tesco employment docked from their holiday pay!"

So, there you have it, if you fancy getting stabbed, beaten up, shot, maimed or simply blown to smithereens...on minimum wage of course..now's your chance...call into your local Police Station for more details and a uniform fitting, always assuming it has not been closed due to monetary constraints..."evenin' all"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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