Written by ExiledRoyal
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Tuesday, 15 November 2011

image for Bryanair to pay airport staff 50p per overweight hand luggage bag spotted
No fat chicks please

Airport staff are being offered a 50p bonus for every Bryanair passenger they catch with oversized or overweight hand luggage.

The new scheme at Liverpool John Lennon Airport encourages handlers to crack down on passengers, who then have to pay the budget airline hefty charges to check in their bag, although ground staff only get their bonus if they reach their target of 10 bags per week.

Baggage Handler Ste Fazakerley said, "Dee brought in this nicked rule a few weeks ago. We're cheddered, ter be 'onest. It means we tinnie earn a few extra quid. Up till now we would let people take wa' dee wanted but now we'll get terugh."

Bargain-basement budget airline Bryanair is no stranger to what can only be described as stealth taxes.

The Spoof has learned that, in the event of catastrophic cabin decompression masks will drop down in front of passengers, who will then be asked to pop five euros in the slot provided for the oxygen.

Bryanair is also proposing a 'fat tax' for obese customers. Guidelines for this tax read as follows: A bit like the hand luggage size test, there will be a chair with arms at the check-in that passengers have to sit in. When they get up, if the chair is still stuck to their arse, they pay the tax. Travellers queueing behind the customer will then be encouraged to all cheer and clap and shout "Pay up, you fat twat!" making the normally dreary check-in experience a more light-hearted affair.

The airline has recently reduced fuel costs by hundreds of thousands of pounds with the introduction of measures that substantially reduce the weight each aircraft has to carry. This has been achieved by not allowing their stewardesses to wear makeup. And the recent introduction of a £7 ticket to New York has caused controversy as they were accused of landing some way from JFK Airport: Dublin.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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