Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 11 November 2011

image for Markets Recover on Canadian Beer Industry Bailout News
Beer wins!

Impacting the S&P, Nikkei and European markets today, news of last night's announcement over the Canadian Beer Industry bailout saw stock futures climb sharply at each market's opening bell.

Canadian Senate members approved the bailout after a heated debate on the floor of The Brass Rail pub in Toronto with a vote of 73 to 32, insuring cash payments and tax incentives totaling $3.7 billion industry wide. "We must protect the viability of this most important industry", says Canadian Beer Council President, Phillip R. Upton. "This guarantee of financial support makes sure the taps will remain open, thank God". Upton was seen wiping a tear from the corner of his left eye.

Some analysts wondered why the bailout was needed at all, given the largest Canadian beer producers are now owned by foreign interests. Miller/Coors owns Molson and Belgium beer powerhouse Interbrew owns the Labatt Brewery. "But the Canadian brewers were allowed to make their own investments", says Upton. "They both bet on real estate holdings in Detroit, and of course, that was a bit of a disappointment".

Canadian brewers are still one of the world's leading producers and exporters of a number of beer brands, licensed to produce US labels like Budweiser, Coors, Miller as well as multiple European brands. "There was no way we could let them shut down. Just no way", Upton began to cry again.

Bailouts mean taxes, but Canadian residents took the news in stride much like they already do with their current tax load. US residents were also preparing to absorb some of the cost through higher beer prices. "I gotta have my beer", says Green Bay machine shop worker, Al Bender. "If that means I gotta pay a few extra sheckles to make sure the supply doesn't run out, so be it".

Moosehead Brewery, the only large Canadian owned brewery still left, won't need any of the bailout money. "We choose to invest in the only thing still safe to invest in", says Moosehead financial advisor Terrence Debit. "We invested in ourselves, which sort of means we invested in beer. Beer always sells".

In a related story, NHL teams still on the ice during last night's bailout announcement, offered a show of support by gathering at center ice and tapping sticks in homage to Parliament's decision. "There's only three things I gotta have in life", says Detroit Red Wing and Canadian resident Danny Cleary, "Beer, hockey, and my playoff beard".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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