Recent history is littered with stories from the financial markets of so called "rogue traders" who have made massive irresponsible bets and lost, resulting in losses often running into the billions. It stands to reason that with so many idiots rolling the dice in this way, before long someone had to throw a double six.
Reggie "five nuts" Sawnoff, a trader with the investment bank Oldman Sacks is reported to have hit the jackpot last week making an estimated 2 trillion Dollars (1.25 trillion Pounds, 1.47 trillion Euros or a shit load of Rupees) in a single day's trading. Reggie, who left borstal at 16 with a single GCSE in metal work, joined the bank after brief stints of work experience as a plasterer and then a greengrocer. Despite his limited formal education, he rose quickly through the ranks of public school dribbling idiots and was put in charge of high volume arbitrage trading.
I was able to secure an exclusive interview with Mr. Sawnoff at a London Hotel this morning. He entered the room wearing a blood stained Millwall football shirt and Saville Row suit which had been cleverly tailored to hide the electronic tag attached to his leg. He gave the traditional Essex greeting of "Oi! Oi!" and sat down.
I asked him if he could explain exactly how he had made such a huge amount of money.
"Iss easy innit" he responded. "The idea is you buy a pile of shit over here and sell the same size pile of the same shit over there at the same time. One trade will loose just under a gazillion quid, one will make just over. If you get it right, when you settle up, there is always a nice little earner in it for you."
I was confused - this type of fairly straight forward arbitrage transaction could not generate such a huge profit.
"Yeah, that's the way the to**ers do it. I just didn't bovver wiv the trades that lost a load of money."
I congratulated Reggie on his masterful control of the markets. With such a huge fund at his disposal I asked how he planned to invest the money. Would he refinance the entire European Union and avert global economic disaster? Or perhaps cancel third world debt and initiate a massive programme to tackle health issues and poverty across Africa?
He responded - "Bo**ocks to them - I'm off to Stringfellows".