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Monday, 7 November 2011

image for Dark Money Theory Could Explain World Economic Crisis

Throughout the ages, great breakthroughs have often resulted from a lucky interface between unconnected fields of research. It seems that just such a coincidence may be close to explaining the current economic poo pile that we find ourselves living in.

Dr. Rodney Trumpet, head of the world renowned Blyth School of Economics has co-published a paper with nearby Cramlington University's Professor of Cosmology, Mark Cocksom-Elk. The paper postulates the theory that along with all the real money - pounds, dollars, euros etc. which seem to be in such short supply, there is an invisible and much larger type of "Dark Money" out there.

We met up with the academics at an international press conference at the Crown Posada pub in Newcastle, England.

"This one has had some of the world's finest economists stumped for ages. Nearly every major economy, bank and corporation has huge debts - even the ones that should have loads of spare cash seem to have taken out huge loans. So where is all the money? This ground breaking piece of research with my colleague Professor Cocksom-Elk should go some way to answering this puzzle."

Dr. Trumpet added, "I think it is the first time ever that a paper on economic theory has been co-written by an economist and a physicist."

"It isn't really that surprising" Prof. Cocksom-Elk interjected, as he poured himself another Buckfast and Red Bull - his third since the beginning of the interview. "You see, economics isn't really a proper science, it is just a bunch of media studies drop outs who think that they can use their GCSE grade 5 maths to model which type of Gregg's pasty will sell out first. Real scientists avoid them like the smelly kid in the playground with sellotaped glasses, who shouts at walls and wears his shoes on the wrong feet."

Despite this attitude, it seems that some weeks ago, whilst experimenting with MDMA at an interdepartmental coffee morning, the professor had become so "loved up" as to enter into a deep conversation with Dr. Trumpet on the latest developments in the fields of particle physics and cosmology. He explained that physicists had added up all of the matter in the Universe and found that there simply wasn't enough to allow Einstein's theory of relativity to work properly. So, instead of doing some real work and improving on the ramblings of a second rate Austrian patent clerk they had decided that it was easier to suggest that there was a whole load of invisible "dark matter" out there to make the sums add up and the cosmological books balance.

"The parallels were obvious" explained Dr. Trumpet. "If you add up all of the debts and credits in the world there appears to be a massive hole in the accounts. We can solve this problem by assuming that there must be an extra source of 'Dark Money' out there somewhere."

The pair are hoping for a Nobel prize nomination for their work and are currently applying for funding to carry out experiments to find evidence of Dark Money.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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