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Sunday, 6 November 2011

image for Vatican City Steps In To Avert Economic Armageddon

In a week that has seen the leaders of the most powerful countries in the world skitting around like loose sheep on a motorway, one of the most powerful and least understood nation states has finally made a decisive move.

As the Eurozone countries teetered on the brink of bankruptcy it seemed that all doors were closed to them. Requests for funds from the IMF, EFSF, ECB, MIB and KFC had all failed and it seemed that no progress had been made despite the G20 leaders working relentlessly into the early hours of Friday afternoon before rushing back to their private jets to get home in time for Emmerdale.

As the working week for much of the world ended the Vatican put out a shock statement announcing that they would "step in to absolve the financial sins of the modern world".

As conscientious savers for the last two millennia of their own, and let's face it many other people's money and treasures, the Vatican City is probably the only truly solvent nation left on earth.

Reporter Godfrey Bumbles was one of a select group of journalists summoned to an evensong press conference at the St. Peters P.R. & communications centre. He brings you this report of the proceedings:

We all stood. A choir sang as a procession of Cardinals, Archbishops and Primates entered the hall.

We all knelt. They muttered something in Latin which I didn't quite catch.

We all sat.
Various introductions were made as the collected audience were liberally doused in incense smoke as if some form of de-lousing had been ordered.

We all knelt. More Latin.

We all sat. The bloke with the funniest looking hat stepped forward.

Standing at the lectern Cardinal Lorenzo de' Medici pronounced that "From Monday, no bank would be too big to fail. Let each bank stand and be judged for its sins and be consumed in whatever hellish pit of insolvency it had created". He further explained that all currencies would now be pegged to the recently reintroduced Vatican Lira, which would be widely circulated to boost the world's economy and could be freely exchanged with local currency at any church before and after mass.

At that point the financial correspondent for the County Cork Farmers Gazette raised his hand and suggested that there was something in the bible about temples and money changers. Cardinal Giovanni Sforza took the microphone, paused for a moment's contemplation, then suggested that the journalist should "fuck off and mind his own business". There was a slight scuffle as the reporter was removed by heavily armed Swiss Guard. His whereabouts is currently unknown.

Cardinal Medici confirmed that special enforcers from the Knights Templar Ecclesiastical Economics division have been dispatched, not just to European governments but across the globe to take control of the world's economies. In return for this salvation, governments of the world would be required to implement austerity measures including the abolition of state funded contraceptives, payment of taxes every Sunday and compulsory altar duty for boys aged 9 to 14.

Behold, we stand at the door, and knock.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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