Bank of America spokesman Bill M. Tweed released a statement to the financial media this morning outlining the reversal of the recent bank policy of instituting a monthly fee of $5.00 to customers using debit cards.
"Our customers have shared their opinions with us over the past week and as their appreciative and responsive banker, management has decided to rescind the previously announced fee, effective January 1, 2013.
"As much as we would like to make this policy change effective immediately, months of planning and reprogramming our system make this impossible. Also, the cost of mailing out 45,000,000 notifications of the new fee must be recovered."
T.R. Nast of the San Francisco Examiner asked Mr. Tweed to characterize the customer response.
"Well, to be frank, it was overwhelming and should I say, modestly hostile. We received slightly over 300,000 threats of fire bombing branches, 450 threats of kidnapping and ransoms, (9) actual releases of skunks and aardvarks at our flagship branch office and (14,000) ATM's have been lubricated with Gorilla Glue.
"(235) of our fine employees have resigned out of fear for their personal safety. At this moment, I am wearing a Kevlar Vest and this morning I had my wife "warm up the car" for me. We, at B of A heard you loud and clear. We sincerely felt your pain...and wrath. It registered in the Executive Suite as well.
"As a safety precaution for our customers, starting today, all branches will have X-Ray portals at the front door, just like airports and random branches will engage thermite, Gorilla Glue and C4 sniffing dogs. As soon as feasibly possibly, branches will also be supplied with skunk preying mongoose.Aardvarks are harmless and kinda cute.
"As a thank-you to our loyal customers, we are giving away toaster ovens and recipe books to customers capturing the aardvarks. We assure all our customers that there will be almost zero tolerance for any of our security staff excessively fondling young women and all "strip searches" of female customers will be conducted in a video free private room by a pair of heterosexual women, unless the customer makes a specific request for bull dikes.
"The safety of our customers is paramount and comes above everything else except fee income."
This reporter then asked Mr. Tweed to comment on the adverse effect the policy change would have on corporate profitability.
"Obviously, the impact will be positive until the reprogramming is completed fourteen months from now. Our resourceful planning team is actively discussing a number of proposals to enhance our bottom line and I am prepared to offer one to our customers, here and now.
"For our customers that dislike seeing monthly fee deductions on their statements, for a one-time payment of $63.00, we will immediately remove the $5.00 monthly debit card fee from their account. That is a 10% discount from the $70.00 of fees that will accrue until the programming changeover is implemented.
"We will also waive the $6.50 handling fee if customers opt to make their payment on their debit card.
"Also, our crack security team made another discovery from the review of the ATM camera tapes over the past week.
"After careful ANALysis, it has been discovered that just like fingerprints and retinas, anuses are idiosyncratic and unique. Objective high magnification review of 4,922 pictures of customer anuses revealed that no two were alike.
"Working with PARC and GOOGLE, we have designed and manufactured a rapid, pre-heated anal scanner, patent pending.
"The TSA and the FBI have each given us a grant for $55,000,000.00 to make the system available to them, with annual royalty payments to be negotiated.
"As an enhanced security program to reduce identity theft, we will provide our customers with ASS - the ADVANCED SECURITY SYSTEM, for an annual fee of only $99.00, billed in (11) almost invisible $9.00 monthly installments, automatically renewed, just like PORN sites."
The bank has already created the marketing plan for their personal banking security features:
ASS - Don't leave home without it. Don't be left behind - Get Some ASS and feel safe, secure and warm all over. You'll sleep better at night knowing you have ASS 24/7.
There was an immediately and deafening round of thunderous applause from the gathering of journalists.
To this reporter, it seems everyone likes ASS.