A shocked nation awoke today to the news of over three and a half trillion dollars in Girl Scout cookies have just up and vanished - completely unaccounted for. "We don't know where they went" parroted a well-groomed Donald Rumsfeld, wiping what appeared to be thin mint residue from his lower lip.
The uproar and panic from both sides of the political fence has yet to fully come to light, but preliminary reports from the GAO (Government Accountability Office) indicate a sinister plot that was in the making for almost 40 years.
"Four decades of careful planning, murdering and bribery", "you'll never catch me you wimps" and "Jesus was from Arkansas you idiots - isn't it obvious?" are excerpts from the 630 page manifesto which was crudely scrawled in Nestle Quik chocolate syrup and delivered unto Donald Rumsfeld by the Archangel Gabriel himself.
"All arms of justice have been extended in an intensive global search for the culprit or culprits behind this heinous and callous act against the Girl Scouts. When caught, I pity da fool who ripped off my shipment of shortbread and samoa coconut caramel cookies. Mmmm, MMMM…just thinking about ‘em makes mah mouth water." These words of his grisly warning were from a speech that Mr. T. delivered from the Brownie Memorial Garden at the Girl Scouts International Headquarters, location undisclosed in the interest of national security.
"We just knew that Mr. T. was the right man for the job" cried a heartbroken troop on the Today Show. "Letters, well-wishes and donations have been pouring into our regional offices by the truckload - we couldn't do this without the help and backing of the American people."
The last time he checked into HQ, Mr. T. alluded that he was hot on the trail of what seemed to be his most promising lead yet. "Some suckah called me up and told me that Jesus told him to steal all the little girl's cookies and that there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it. With the full cooperation of various telecom corporations, I was able to triangulate a 3 square mile radius of probability, and within that 3 mile radius, with the temporary powers I've been granted by the President during this time of war, I've dispatched over 10,000 armed personnel with licenses to kill. We're gonna get you, suckah!"
Mr. T plans on donating his $400,000 a month salary to cancer research and the Jimmy Fund.