Herald Square, New York - Flanked by top fashion luminaries, Macy's CEO Terry Lundgren today launched Occupy WOW Street! - a move by the retail chain to boost pre-holiday sales.
'The inspiration came about one month ago, said Lundgren, speaking from the south entrance to the Macy's Men's section on 7th Avenue. 'I really wanted to know what this '99%'was about. Frankly, I was really turned off at first, but once I learned that the 99% wasn't a group of riff raff demanding deep discounts I wanted to know more. I asked my limousine driver to detour past Zuccotti Park on the way to my broker.'
'The Zuccotti Park occupiers - they looked so weary, so sad, so - out of fashion! Then it struck me - America doesn't need a total takeover, but a total makeover! And Macy's should lead the way.'
Gesturing to a live window display of chanting, picketing Occupy WOW Street! spokesmodels, Lundgren said 'it's time to focus on style instead of substance, and 'regain that pre-bubble feel good spirit of the late 90's. So it turns out we weren't so sharp back then, but we sure dressed sharp, and we felt great!
'The turning point, of course, was the imprisonment of Martha Stewart. It directed the country's attention from fashion to finance and created a nation of worrywarts. Martha is free but style is still on probation. With Occupy WOW Street! we will liberate style once and for all!'
'For Occupy WOW Street! I've enlisted the nation's top stylists. Carson Cressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fame agreed to lead a major makeover effort at Z Park, focusing on the young, the hip - and in the case of the hunger strikers - the thin. Cressley added 'We're not talking major transformations here; just pivoting from an unwashed to a semi-washed look to 'get rid of the bleak and bring out the chic'.'
Older Zuccotti occupiers who have seen their 401(k)s evaporate will be assisted by Tim Gunn, creator of Project Runway. 'It's easy as one-two-three, people! One - Resurrect your dot com era silk suits with a professional dry cleaning and pressing. Two - make them pop with accessories from my 'Wow Street!' collection. And three - scrub the weariness from your face, and revitalize with a dazzling parfum or cologne. Then you are ready to start workin' it like a model. It's time to focus, people - on runway fashion instead of runaway CEO salaries!'
Leading reporters to the Cosmetics section, Lungren claimed that he fell into a bit of luck in pulling the WOW Street! integrated marketing effort together. 'Diane von Furstenberg was about to launch a new scent for Sephora. We have asked her to reformulate just a bit to create a WOW Street! exclusive. My suggestion? Add real gold dust to impart a healthy glow, and call it Eau Get Overit. But it's really up to her.'
As for Martha Stewart, she has not accepted Macy's invitation to participate. 'I'm not sure why she has declined. I think prison has changed her. Last week with Susan Sarandon, she created the Zuccotti Square Sachet. It's provides a lovely scent, and when soaked in water and placed over the face stops tear gas. Now what's THAT about?