Written by Michael Balton
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Thursday, 27 October 2011

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The prayers of the world's bankers and investment firms have been answered. The Bank of God has agreed to cover all global debt in exchange for what God is calling "The Ten Commitments."

"We tend to forget that God is a shrewd money manager," said God's spokesman, Pope Benedict XVI. "Remember how he shorted those money changers in the temple? This new deal makes that look like an ATM transaction."

The Pope explained that the world's debt would disappear over the next 10 years "through the miracle of divine easing."

Vatican printing presses will be converted from producing holy cards and prayer books and start turning out euros and dollars, in large denominations.

"We will continuously inject the new wealth into the world's ailling economies for the reasonable surcharge of 10%," the Pope said. "It's going to be like the miracle of the loaves and fishes, but without that fishy smell."

In return for the bailout, humanity has to agree to follow The Ten Commitments. They are demands that come down directly from God, and were delivered by the Pope on two tablet computers. They ask that we:

1. Merge Goldman Sachs with the International Red Cross and let's see what happens. (Just make sure that Lloyd Blankfein is not involved.)

2. Punch up the Bible with some jokes and amusing anecdotes. No wonder no one reads that thing anymore.

3. Eat more calamari. It seems to make people happy.

4. To all clerics, including priests, rabbis, ministers, nuns. bishops, etc.: lose the gaudy gowns, crazy hats and turned around collars. You can't compete with Gaga.

5. Turn off the goddamn lights when you leave a room.

6. Hey Johnny Depp, enough with the pirate movies.

7. Blessed are the occupiers. I've reserved a special iCloud in heaven for them.

8. Did I tell you to keep Lloyd Blankfein out of this?

9. Change the name of the Euro to the Alleluia.

10. Shop wholesale.

Before humanity accepts The Ten Commitments and God's bailout plan, the proposals must be approved by the United States Congress and the European Parliament. "The deadline for the final voting has been coupled to a specific event," an EU spokesperson said. "It's when hell freezes over."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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