Written by Steddyeddy
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Tuesday, 25 October 2011

image for Government and DWP announce new Yob Centres
Eager patrons of the new Yob Centre in Tottenham

The Government, through the Department for Work and Pensions, has announced the introduction of new Yob Centres aimed especially at the work-shy, brain dead and late-teen New Direction fans.

Tastefully decorated in appealing "street pizza" patterns, the new Yob Centres will feature a host of, er, features to help drive the otherwise footloose and fancy free professional dole scroungers into the premises to obtain work.

All Yob Centres will have bars serving alcopops and cans of cheap lager from Aldi to enable binge-drinking practices. One wall will see a path and gutter installed along its length to permit throwing-up, falling down and hanging onto the pavement for dear life. There will also be a branch of either Boots or W H Smiths in each centre so that patrons can hone up their shoplifting skills.

Other facilities include pram parking and creches for the under-16's, and coat hangers for hoodies (that is, for the garment, and not the wearer) and plate glass windows with a supply of shopping trollies for potential rioters to practice their art.

Admission will be restricted to those with a mimimum of four tattos and six welding rivets (or similar) through various places on their faces.

Those attending will be referred to as "patrons" and not lazy bastards or scrounging wastrels, and members of staff will face disciplinary procedures if they are caught similarly referring to "patrons" as retards or unemployable wastes of space.

The first of the new Yob Centres is due to open in a former furniture factory in Tottenham.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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