"The UK is on so many highs at the moment, so we should not be putting down these record breaking efforts created by the Coalition Government".
The claim comes from the Chancellor of the Exchequer's second secretary's assistant filing clerk's part-time data input deputy, Mr Xavier Self - an Etonite, and hotel bedroom assistant to a certain Minister, whose name we cannot legally mention, so we must remain vague about it.
We have not included the high rise in calumny within Parliament, as a safeguard against any law suits being issued against us by any of the empleomania ridden MPs.
We analysed the figures given, to validate the claims, and they all proved accurate. (Using the term 'accurate' as used in Government circles)
The records claimed are:
Unemployment - nearing an all time record high
Inflation - nearing a four year high
Distrust of Politicians - at a record high
Expense allowances for MPs - at a record high
Millionaire MPs in Parliament - at a record high
Poverty - nearing a ten year high
Suicides - on a twelve year high (not counting Nick Clegg's political suicide in joining Tories in the Coalition)
Apanthropinisation - (withdrawal from human concerns) - at highest level ever in Parliament
VAT rates - at a record high
Bank financial rescues - at a record high
Small Business liquidations - at a record high
Large Business liquidations - at a record high
MPs spending on subsidised Drinks - at a record high
NHS cutbacks - at a record high
Military cutbacks - at a record high
Police cutbacks - at a record high
Business Innovation and Skills cutbacks - at a record high
Politicians Nepotism - increased ten fold to a record high
Politicians caught lying - at a record high
We think it is high time, the high and mighty, diminished there chrematomania.