Written by Jack Leonard
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Tuesday, 18 October 2011

image for Financial Crisis Could Spell Return Of The White Dog Turd
"When the heavy snow hits again, it'll be like a smelly minefield."

Experts warned yesterday that the economic crisis could see the return of a menace not seen on our streets for decades: the white dog turd.

The publicly-funded 'Study Into Potential Indicators Of Financial Disaster' found that during the 70's and 80's, when the UK economy was last in dire straits, it was nigh on impossible to walk down the road without having to dodge a 'white cigar'. Back then the colour was the result of ash and pulped paper that the dog food companies used to bulk out their product. This reduced their costs considerably, allowing them to sell each tin for literally pennies. This time, according to the study's authors, the dogs' eggs will be white once more, but it won't be the fault of Pedigree Chum.

"Just as we have enjoyed an increased standard of living over the past twenty years," says the study's leader, Professor Ricola, "so has man's best friend. Today's dog food is of a much higher quality. There's plenty of real meat, and no more lips and testicles than the average Iceland burger. Unfortunately, quality costs."

With wages declining and inflation on the rise, Rover's annual food bill may soon be more than many families can afford and that, says Ricola, is when the problems will begin.

"First, the family will stop buying Cesar and opt for the cheaper brands instead. As the belt tightens, they will buy own brand dog food, gradually dropping through the supermarket strata until hitting the bottom in Lidl. From there, the only way down is corned beef. At this point, not wanting their beloved pet to starve or start eating the children, hard up families will have no choice but to bulk up the food themselves. Before long, the streets will be clogged with white excrement that is part horse anus and part Daily Mail.

When the heavy snow hits again, it'll be like a smelly minefield."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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