Written by Deafo
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Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Millions of Blackberry owners across Europe have aired their disgust at being forced into communicating by speech after a server outage in Slough meant they were left having to depend on their scarcely functioning vocal chords, rather than Instant Messenger.

The company's owner RIM have apologized to those customers who had developed such a dependency on the ability to use their phone for every purpose other than a conversation, saying it will offer all users who chose to call people instead a packet of apple flavored lozenges.

But some customers felt the move didn't go far enough to sooth the true source of the pain.

Doncaster resident, Mike Shipley, emailed us from his home PC saying, 'I was beside myself when I realized the service was down and that I might actually have to maintain a genuine discussion with a person on the other end of the phone all by myself.'

'It felt very intimidating.'

'There's nothing in the Blackberry manual that tells you how to talk down the phone.'

'Those lozenges certainly won't heal the mental anguish of being cut a drift from all those forms of electronic communications that depersonalise my day-to-day.'

Londoner, Charlie Mount, was frustrated at being unable to express himself through smiley faces and acronyms.

'I found myself running round the office punctuating all my sentences with a smiley face on a yellow post it note.'

'Talking is just so limiting.'

'And pronunciation, wasn't that something they did in the 80's?'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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