Written by IainB
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Monday, 3 October 2011

image for Sparks and Mensa produce sports stockings and suspenders
Jonny Wilkinson shows off his sports hosiery

The popular high street store for the intelligent and high IQ socialites has broadened its range of sporting goods by introducing sports suspenders.

"We appreciate that playing sport in winter can be very hard on the skin," said Sparks and Mensa head of marketing, Mark Spencer. "Especially when playing outside."

For this reason, S&M's latest range has been designed to optimise sporting performance whilst keeping the wearer warm. These items are made of highly durable nylon and available in a variety of skin tones and black. Additionally, there are a number of bright primary colours available. The belt is made of a non-chafe silk material with strong fastenings allowing the wearer to twist and turn under the most extreme of physical activity. This belt is attached to the stockings by six straps with strong plastic clasps. The stockings themselves are designed for maximum comfort, warmth and breathable.

"We could have gone the more traditional approach, and provided underleggins like other sporting goods manufacturers," said Spencer. "However, one of the complaints these items have, is that they ride around, twisting in a man's sensitive areas. Additionally, visiting the gentlemen excuse me necessitates removing the garment almost completely. Something that takes time. Should a call of nature come in during a match, this is time the wearer can ill afford. The belt and stockings approach allows the wearer quick and easy access for relief."

Sparks and Mensa have already lined up Jonny Wilkinson and Carlos Tevez to promote their new sporting clothing.

"Tevez has been wearing our sky blue stockings with the padded belt during those games he concedes to come onto the pitch," said Spencer. "He has publicly stated that in England's cold weather, they are invaluable."

Wilkinson has yet to wear his during a match, but has appeared in the publicity posters for the new garment.

"Wilko's said that he wears his away from the rugby pitch," said Spencer. "There is a macho image rugby players have to project on the pitch, but to protect his delicate and highly prized assets, he wears them the rest of the time."

Rumours that Jonny Wilkinson pairs his pair up with a pair of bright red heels are unfounded.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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