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Saturday, 14 January 2006

image for Fox News Channel Forced To Close Down Issue-Manufacturing Plant
At their issue-manufacturing plant, smokestacks spew the by-products of Fox's self-promotional hype

NEW YORK, Jan. 14 - Fox News Channel, the 24-hour cable edition of the New York Post, has announced that they will close down their issue-manufacturing plant following a poor year-end showing, citing a downturn in believability and indications that bosses have been overestimating the American public's tolerance for bullshit for years.

Col. Alexander Rauch, foreman of the plant in Amenia, N.Y., said that while he understands the necessity of the closing, he remains proud of everything his crew has produced.

"The 'How dare anyone deny Christ by holding a Holiday sale' controversy the past December was as solid an issue as we've ever made up," beamed Rauch with a hint of nostalgia. "The 'Swift Boat Veterans bitching irrelevantly about John Kerry' issue wasn't our own idea, but we certainly found a great way to formulate and package it. We stand by every issue we manufacture, which are all made from only the finest hype and paranoia."

Experts from both financial services firms and the Cato Institute say that the bursting of the bullshit bubble was inevitable. The consensus is that most of the blame lies with Fox News's commentators for abusing their product. "The product they had, as tacky and underhanded as they were, were solid products capable of giving Fox plenty to work with even through the most fallow off-year elections," said Felicia Kantor Hendrix, an analyst with New York-based Lehman Brothers. "Unfortunately, the spin doctors were distributing the product in such mass quantities, thereby forcing it down the public's throats in contradiction to the directions on the label, that the public built an immunity to the bullshit of which it was made."

Outgoing Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan briefly referred to FNC's downturn during his final densely-worded remarks to the Senate banking committee. "Now that we know that Fox News Channel's war on the imaginary 'secular war on Christmas' was, like the theory of 'intelligent design' that they support, an presumed result desperately in need of evidence, most of which turned out to be apocryphal, it is easy to see in hindsight that their irrational exuberance was their downfall."

Mr. Rauch also agreed in part with the analysis. "Initially we were stabbing in the dark, coming up with as much crap as we could. We naturally had some doubts about some of the issues [FNC] was interested in, but when a court was actually willing to entertain the notion that Fox News could trademark the slogan 'Fair and Balanced', and the top brass thought they might then actually be able to get away with even claiming to be fair and balanced, that's when they started to get really cocky. I mean, you don't let the likes of Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson roam freely about the office unless you're sure that your business plan won't collapse at any moment."

FNC has hired the Army Corps of Auctioneers to sell off the contents of the Amenia facility. Rumors abound that items on the auction block may include unused prototype issues never meant to be made public, including "Swedes secretly run the US media (except for us)", "The NCAA should rename Lacrosse to something less French sounding", and "Are people who deny the unconditional love of Jesus ignorant heathens or stupid heathens?"

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