Written by Al Vino
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Topics: London, Cocaine

Thursday, 5 January 2006

Farmer-friendly version of drug will ease liberal consciences. Consumer groups yesterday lent their support to the launch of new ‘fair trade' cocaine in north-west London. The move, by Jason ‘Jay' Myers of Stonebridge Park, came after years of campaigning by third world activists, children's rights groups and various other left-wing rabble.

The new brand of the illicit Class A narcotic will go on sale at £55 per gram, slightly more expensive than that offered by conventional dealers. But stated Myers from his home in the crime-ridden London slum, 'It is well worth it. Conventional coke trafficking consortiums make huge profits but give little to the grower, while we aim to give the small, independent cocaine producer a better deal. So while the consumer can still enjoy the feelings of unstoppable confidence followed by hopeless paranoia, the small farmer in the developing gets a little more to feed his family. You get me.'

Under the scheme the extra £5 will go to the growers in Columbia, Myers stated, before adding: ‘honestly.'Speaking from behind his reinforced steel door on the Kier Hardie Estate, a 20-storey concrete vision of hell, the twice-convicted 30-year-old assured consumers that the extra money spent would be worth it. 'I think people have to look to their consciences in this matter' the seventeen stone bodybuilder and father of seven illegitimate children added.

The move received a mixed response from cocaine users, who compose about 10% of the capital's population. PR-industry twat Julian Wilkins for one is in favour 'I think it's really great. We've all got to look after each other in this world. It's really great' he said at the end of a twenty-minute drug-induced rant. While hedgefund tossbag Sebastian Montegue had mixed feelings: ‘It's all very well encouraging an ethical product if the market backs it up, but the real test comes when the recession comes', before chopping up another line with a gold credit card.

But poorer consumers were more sceptical about the scheme to help Colombian growers. Said King's Cross resident Marky Williamson: 'You think I'm giving another fiver for some bloke in Africa or somewhere? Have you got a pound? My sister's in hospital and I need to get the bus.'

Rival distributors were sceptical of the move. One group, the West Harlesden Posse, said it planned to force Myers out of the market through a mixture of aggressive marketing.

On Page 9: Supermarket unveils 'Organic Heroin'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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