Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Breakfast, cereal

Thursday, 5 January 2006

image for The real Cap'n Crunch dies at age 82
The man behind the breakfast

Captain Jebediah Crunch, Cap'n Crunch, had his ashes ceremonially converted into crunchy breakfast cereal, frosted with sugar then scattered out to sea. "That was his last wish" one Quaker Oats executive said. "Hopefully the fish won't gobble him up before he makes his peace with the waters."

Jebediah Crunch, the inspiration behind the wildly popular Saturday morning breakfast cereal first caught the eye of Quaker Oats in 1963 when Crunch (his real name) ran into cartoon producer Jay Ward at a Hartford Waffle house.

Ward, creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle happened to notice the eccentric looking "sea captain" sitting next to him pulling out a bag of what appeared to be cereal, pouring it into a bowl and eating it with the waffles that he had ordered.

"That must be some GOOD cereal" Ward told the man who replied,

"Aye .. have a bowl mate?"

The rest is breakfast history. Ward talked to his agency, they talked to Quaker Oats and before you could say "look out Fruit Loops" Quaker Oats had secured the rights to market Crunch's breakfast cereal. Crunch (his real name) once appeared on the Johnny Carson show ..

CARSON -> Whoa. You don't look anything like your picture on the box.

CRUNCH -> Ha Ha Ha. No Johnny, they tweaked my image a bit. Actually I like the picture on the box better. Except for that silly blue hat. Makes me look like a bloody loon.

Jebediah Crunch (his real name), a mildly successful Salmon fisherman in New England never lost his love for the sea, even after pocketing 7 million dollars that the Quaker Oats corporation paid him for rights to market his cereal and use HIS likeness on the box. Producer Jay Ward once told reporters,

"Crunch. The name, the cereal, the image, the sea .. it all just seemed to fit the moment I met that guy, tasted his cereal. It was my idea in fact to shorten his name from CAPTAIN to CAP'N so it would fit on the box."

Breakfast cereals, currently under attack by the Federal Trade Commission have over the years cut down on the sugar content of their products. Cap'n Crunch, Quaker Oats claims, is LESS than 90% sugar.

"We're trying to get it down to less than 85% because we care .. about the children of the world watching the Cap'n on Saturday mornings down bowl after bowl of crunchy tasty fun and magically delicious Cap'n Crunch Cereal."

Jebediah Crunch leaves behind two sons, Tyrone Crunch and Roscoe .. Crunch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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