Written by Nick Hobbs
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Monday, 26 September 2011

image for Local Pub Offers Delivery Service
Now, who'd live in a house like thiiis?

A village pub in the heart of Oxfordshire is to offer a free delivery service to the surrounding villages, in a bid to drum up some much needed trade.

Badger Smeaton, landlord of the Mutilated Pig Inn and Carvery in Tumbledown Moreton, has seen trade diminish in recent years.

"It's the same all over," he told us "the pub trade's on it's arse! People can't afford to drink in pubs, and I lay the blame squarely at the governments feet!"

Diversification is a word all too often used in times of belt-tightening, but Smeaton has taken this concept to the next level.

"If the punters won't come to me, then I'll take my wares to them!" he exclaimed.

Customers will call a telephone number, separate from the usual landline number, and place their orders from a vast menu, which can be viewed online.

Their order will then be delivered straight to their door, and Smeaton personally guarantees it will be within half an hour of placing the order.

"I don't expect my customers to wait longer than half an hour in my pub to be served, so I'll be damned if they should do the same at home!" he gesticulated.

There will be plenty of choice from the menu, with the usual items accompanied by more unusual and specialist offers and deals.

For a small charge per head, you can order the Friday Night Atmosphere package. Smeaton supplies eight pints of your chosen beer or lager and six people to stand behind your arm chair talking loudly about football and breasts, whilst you settle down in the comfort of your own home to watch TV.

Or why not try the Sports Event package? Choose your favourite televised sport and Smeaton will supply you with your chosen tipple and sixteen people to stand between you and your TV, so you miss all the action as they discuss how much better they could manage the team.

But if the rowdy side of the bar is not for you, then why not try the Furtive Listener deal. For the price of a small pizza you get a rum and coke, some dry roasted peanuts and two young ladies to sit in your lounge. They will then talk privately for an hour, in hushed tones, while you try to listen in and make your drink last as long as possible.

"There's no minimum order, and delivery is free," he told us "and everything we sell in the pub will be available online, be it drinks, snacks or conversation!"

Several locals have vowed to use the new system, but critics are concerned that Smeaton has not fully realised the implications of his idea.

Jane Hunter-Smirk, local Chamber Of Commerce spokeswoman, told us "if I live eight miles away, and I call up and order one pint of real ale, how does he honestly think he'll make any money, after wages, fuel and product? And what happens if I ring up ten minutes later and order my second pint?"

Smeaton was undeterred. "I don't care!" he said "My word is my bond!"

But the loopy landlord must be ready for reprisals from his very own colleagues.

Barry Bostock, from neighbouring village pub The Ragged Lute, two miles away, told us "if Smeaton thinks he can happily sell his tepid bathwater in my area and I'll stand idly by and watch, then he'll get what's coming to him!"

"It's a shit idea anyway," he followed up "who's bringing back the empties?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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