Written by IainB
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Sunday, 25 September 2011

image for Derek Acorah opens a carpet and laminate shop
Psychic carpets adjust to the psychic ambience of the house

Derek Acorah, the world's most attractive, charismatic and psychic man is to broaden his portfolio with the addition of a carpet and laminate company.

"The chain of stores will be opening in the next couple of weeks," said new CEO Adele Willring. "We've got outlets in Ellesmere Port, Chester, Southport, obviously, and Skelmesdale."

According to Adele, Acorah has been heavily involved in the whole location, stocking and design of the stores. Right down to the strap line for the companies advertising.

"We've gone with the line 'If it goes on the floor, you need Acor(ah)'," Adele said, with not a little embarrassment.

According to Miss Willring, Acorah chose the locations for the outlets based on the Woolworths Lay-lines.

"These are energy sucking lines," said Adele, with a heavy sigh. "Derek has said that each of the stores are placed at the exact centre of the triangles formed by the Woolworth Lay-lines, where the negative economic energy is calm and still and will not affect our stores."

Acorah is expecting his new range of Psychic Carpets to be his best selling line. These carpets adjust to the psychic ambiance in the home, and change colour accordingly, although currently they all look brown, they can go from deep red to pale green.

"Basically," said Adele, "I've been in the flooring business for twenty-five years, and I've never yet come across somebody who wanted to buy a carpet when they didn't know what colour it would be in a week or a month. I suppose if you really like decorating once a week, it might appeal. But then again, what do I know. I'm not psychic. I've got a feeling these psychic carpets will change colour from brown to faded brown."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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