Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 22 September 2011

image for Cash-strapped Pope-on-the-ropes rattles begging bowl at favorite daughter
Kiss my ass, Holy Father, the German sovereign fund will never be yours...

Berlin - Angela Merkel's having none of it, of course, and has told her Holy Father to get stuffed.

But with 90% of Opus Dei's investment portfolio wiped out by a rogue trader's disastrous £1.5billion punt Pope Joe Ratzinger's arrival back in the Fatherland comes at a time of massive crisis for the Vatican.

The Swiss bank that suffered the huge trading loss enjoys internationally recognised immunity from prosecution - a bit like the Holy See's self-declared status.

It's left Vatican coffers teetering on bankruptcy in a Round Two scandal that's eclipsed previous horrors such as the Banco Ambrosiano fiasco of the 1980s that saw 'God's Banker' Robert Calvi 'suicided' under London's Blackfriars Bridge.

"My daughter, I want to grant you absolution for hoarding 900 billion Euros in those secret accounts," Benny-The-Dip whispered in Angela's rear - er...ear! - today.

The German sovereign fund has accrued the massive surplus following Merkel's six-year tenure as German Chancellor.

The official response won't be know until Monday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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