Funny story: Andy Dick's Dick Sued for Spontaneous Teabagging of Comedy Audience Member. (Haha, Dick. Member.)

Andy Dick's Dick Sued for Spontaneous Teabagging of Comedy Audience Member. (Haha, Dick. Member.)

A Texas man who claims that 'comedian' Andy Dick smacked him in the face with his... er, "Andy Dick" has filed suit against the former Suddenly Susan actor. According to the lawsuit, Andy was dressed like a woman during part of his act back in Dec...
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Funny story: Transcript of Police interview with Andy Dick's Alleged Victim.

Transcript of Police interview with Andy Dick's Alleged Victim.

The following is a transcript of the reporting of a sexual assault allegedly committed by comedian Andy Dick. Reader discretion is advised. VICTIM: "I need to report a sexual battery." POLICE: "OK, sir. We're here to help. What happened" VICTIM: "I was attacked in the face by Andy's Dick." POLICE: "Oh, I am so sorry. Right. What did he attack you with?" VICTIM: "Andy's Dick." POL...
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Funny story: Amish Man Kills Wife, Self

Amish Man Kills Wife, Self

Bristol PA - A local Amish man attacked his wife during dinner yesterday, killing her in their home on Sundance Road. Police say the body of thirty-eight year old Elizabeth Morgan, wife of Joshua Morgan, was found by neighbors in a walk-in pantry cov...
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Funny story: More Of Your Letters To The Editor

More Of Your Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir, everywhere I look of late, in your magazine, I see stories about the cucumber. Why is this? I am writing to register my disapprehension of these mostly sordid tales of the humble cucumber. Remember: cucumbers are not the only fruit, as I think Shakespeare said in one of his sonnets, and Annie Lennox later quoted in her big hit after she left the Heuristics and took up the market ga...
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Funny story: Snooki Evades Arrest on Impersonating an Italian-American Warrant, Crashes into Cop Car

Snooki Evades Arrest on Impersonating an Italian-American Warrant, Crashes into Cop Car

MTV almost lost it's greasiest "Jersey Shore" cast member over the weekend, when gelatinous rodent Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi rammed her car into the back of a police vehicle, and sources say she was evading police attempting to arrest her for Impersona...
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Funny story: Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in Life Time Special: 'The Sperminator'

Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in Life Time Special: 'The Sperminator'

Arnold Schwarzenegger is to star in a Life Time Channel Special titled 'The Sperminator': a made for T.V. movie based on the recent news of his 'mystery child' with a former house made. Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to the world recently that he...
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Funny story: New study finds that most people who own mobility wheelchairs are just lazy

New study finds that most people who own mobility wheelchairs are just lazy

A new study this week indicates that most owners of the popular electric wheelchair 'Hover About' are basically just lazy. A poll given to 1200 owners of this device found that people are sick and tired of the daily stress of walking upright.
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Funny story: F.B.I. cracking down on fake 'farmville' farms

F.B.I. cracking down on fake 'farmville' farms

The F.B.I. is investigating the use of fake 'Farmville' farms by individuals playing the very popular game on Face Book. The multi-state investigation has been under way for over 3 months amidst complaints by others playing the game. Scott Llop fr...
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Funny story: Duck Duck Goose World Champion Disqualified For Steriod Use

Duck Duck Goose World Champion Disqualified For Steriod Use

Gene Jenkins has dominated the game of duck duck goose for 27 years. Jenkins began his triumphant career in the popular children's game when he was 6 years old at the National Elementary School D.D.G. Championship in Orlando, Florida. His very likabl...
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Funny story: MTV's Jersey Shore star Snooki - punches herself in the face

MTV's Jersey Shore star Snooki - punches herself in the face

It was announced today that late yesterday that the reason for Nicole Polizzi's (a.k.a.'Snooki') recent hospitalization was due to a minor concussion that she apparently inflicted on herself by punching herself in the face. A couple of years ago,...
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Funny story: U.S. To Hand Over Bin Laden's Beard For Public Museum Viewing

U.S. To Hand Over Bin Laden's Beard For Public Museum Viewing

It was announced today that the U.S. will hand over the beard of Osama Bin Laden to a yet to be named public museum in Afghanistan. Howard Smith said, "We feel it would be respectful to Osama's family and followers to at least leave them with a tangi...
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Funny story: It's CRAP! Two Weeks After Taking Office Chicago Mayor Emanuel Announces City Casino, Slots in Airports & No Indians!

It's CRAP! Two Weeks After Taking Office Chicago Mayor Emanuel Announces City Casino, Slots in Airports & No Indians!

Former White House Chief of Staff, ballet dancer, Mossad Agent and potty mouthed politician Rahm Emanuel did what the former Daley Family, both father and son. couldn't accomplish in 46 years, return Chicago to the 1930's...in just two weeks! Elec...
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Funny story: Intelligent Chimp's Arse Explodes

Intelligent Chimp's Arse Explodes

Animal Rights activists are up in arms after George the Chimp was found dead in his cell at the Center for Simian Studies and Anthropology in Coventry. Curious George was the first Chimp in captivity to figure out how to use basic kitchen implemen...
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Funny story: Planking Craze Revealed As Nothing More Than A Con

Planking Craze Revealed As Nothing More Than A Con

The latest craze that's sweeping the nation - Planking - has been exposed as actually being nothing more than "lying down in front of or on top of things you wouldn't normally lie down in front of or on top of". These controversial words were issu...
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Funny story: Scottish Football League Sponsors Pull Out Amidst "Hopeless" Claims

Scottish Football League Sponsors Pull Out Amidst "Hopeless" Claims

The SFL has been thrown into turmoil after their 2 main sponsors refused to renew their sponsorship. Willie's Bargain Basement Supplies of Coatbridge and Pennystretchers of Forfar took the decision in the wake of fresh allegations by an SFL execut...
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Funny story: A Pregnant Tori Spelling Is Extremely Upset At Being Banned From Walking On Malibu Beach

A Pregnant Tori Spelling Is Extremely Upset At Being Banned From Walking On Malibu Beach

MALIBU BEACH - The woman who became famous for appearing on her father Aaron Spelling's hit television show 90210 is not a happy beach goer at the moment. According to Bedroom Pillow Talk, Tori Spelling, who is pregnant with her third child, has b...
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Funny story: "Weiner Gate" Blows up; Congressman Denies He Used Penis Pump to Inflate Image on Social Site!

"Weiner Gate" Blows up; Congressman Denies He Used Penis Pump to Inflate Image on Social Site!

The furor around the alleged claims that Democratic Anthony Wiener sent 'cloaked' penis pictures to a 21 year college student continue to swell, with the congressman today refuting claims appearing on his social networking site that he uses a penis p...
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Funny story: Blatter hopes for "fair and free" election

Blatter hopes for "fair and free" election

Incumbent Fifa Idiot in Chief Sepp Blatter took another step towards securing his already infamous reputation by expressing his desire for a "fair and free" Fifa election. Blatter, will stand unopposed at the Fifa congress in Zurich tomorrow. "All...
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Funny story: Rex The Wonder Dog Dog Seen Licking Weiner on Twitter

Rex The Wonder Dog Dog Seen Licking Weiner on Twitter

For those of you too young to remember, Rex first appeared in the flick, The Adventures of Rex the Wonder Dog, in January 1952. Rex is a white German shepherd and served our county valiantly in World War II. A veteran of the Army's K-9 Corps, after t...
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Funny story: The Jersey Shore's Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Crashes Into A Police Car

The Jersey Shore's Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Crashes Into A Police Car

FLORENCE, Italy - The cast of The Jersey Shore seems to somehow manage to stay on the front pages of the Italian news media. The Daily Vino reports that one of the shows stars, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, the little bitty actress and a female companion were driving in Florence looking for a nice pizza parlor. As their Fiat Multipla approached an intersection Polizzi did not notice that there wa...
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Funny story: Scientists discover a third Middleton sister

Scientists discover a third Middleton sister

Sweaty-palmed boffins at the University of California have made an astonishing discovery we can all enjoy - a new Middleton sister. The nerdy scientists from the SETI team were searching for hot extra-terrestrial babes to gawp at last week, until the...
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Funny story: Spanish Cucumber Arrested At Dover

Spanish Cucumber Arrested At Dover

A Spanish cucumber suspected of being involved in the deaths of 14 people in Germany and another in Sweden, has been arrested as it tried to enter the UK at Dover, Immigration officials have said. The cucumber, green, had stowed itself in a crate...
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Funny story: Daffy Duck Takes Over

Daffy Duck Takes Over

Colonel Gaddafi's fourth wife, known as Daffy Duck throughout Libya, has taken over from her husband who is reportedly 'indisposed'. This is the result of Gaddafi's increasing uneasiness at the Bombs that are exploding in his toliet. 'When you ca...
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Funny story: Red-Headed Devil retires and Liverpool rejoice!

Red-Headed Devil retires and Liverpool rejoice!

A sad day in all of Manchester, the "Red-Headed Devil" Pauls Scholes, has retired, hung up his boots and his mischief. One of the greatest players ever to grace the turf of the Theatre of Dreams, Scholes'y, will be sadly missed apart from in the "...
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Funny story: Ukuleles Outselling Electric Guitars - So What? Says Local Axeman

Ukuleles Outselling Electric Guitars - So What? Says Local Axeman

News that ukuleles are outselling electric guitars has been welcomed by guitarists. The small four-stringed, guitar-shaped instrument is probably best known for being played by cheeky war-time film comic George "Turned Out Nice Again" Formby. Elvi...
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Funny story: Lily Allen Successfully Continues To Avoid Limelight

Lily Allen Successfully Continues To Avoid Limelight

Former pop songstress Lily Allen is enjoying the quiet life, having vowed to quit the music industry in an effort to stop playing the fame game. Hardly anyone hears of the Smile singer these days so EIF News & Features decided to investigate j...
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Funny story: Vegetable weaponry being tested by German Army

Vegetable weaponry being tested by German Army

In the light of the recent Cucumber attacks in Germany we understand that tests and experiments are being carried out in secret, using vegetables. Using minority groups as test subjects, they are being exposed to various vegetables being used with...
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Funny story: Cucumber World Domination To Be Arrested By Cull

Cucumber World Domination To Be Arrested By Cull

After the recent spate, in Germany, of 'deaths by cucumber', scientists are now claiming that the human race is in extreme danger of being replaced as the dominant species upon the planet by the Killer Cucumbers. The aforementioned killer vegetabl...
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Funny story: Christina Hendricks Shows That The "Curvy" Look May Be Making A Comeback

Christina Hendricks Shows That The "Curvy" Look May Be Making A Comeback

LAKE COMO, Italy - Actress Christina Hendricks was dressed in a one-piece midnight black swimsuit and wearing an Al Capone hat when she was photographed at Lake Como. The 36-year-old star of the American cable show Mad Men showed off her voluptuou...
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Funny story: Kermit The Frog Is 'Perverted' Says Miss Piggy

Kermit The Frog Is 'Perverted' Says Miss Piggy

Kermit the Frog, 53, is said to be in hiding after sordid revelations have been leaked from sources close to the beleaguered star. In scenes reminiscent of the recent Charlie Sheen episodes, the usually clean cut star of The Muppets has been on a...
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Funny story: No chance of 'Queen in solar eclipse cucumber sandwich shocker' Palace astrologers say

No chance of 'Queen in solar eclipse cucumber sandwich shocker' Palace astrologers say

London - There's a zero chance that Wednesday's apocalyptic eclipse will see the Queen drop dead from sudden-onset terminal flatulence, a Palace blogger posted today. "Yeah, it's much likelier to be cucumber sandwich poisoning," royal kitchens sou...
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Funny story: Shock replacement for X Factor Cheryl

Shock replacement for X Factor Cheryl

Daytime TV bully and serial ranter Jeremy Koyle is to be the shock replacement for Cheryl Cole on The X Factor. This week Ms. Cole was acrimoniously dropped from the show. Simon Cowell was interviewed by this reporter this morning. "Cheryl Who?" he chuckled, clearly misunderstanding the high regard with which the singer is held in the UK. "She's just too nice, too pretty, and has the capa...
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Funny story: Premier League Is Going To The Dogs If We Let The Welsh In - Says Bigot

Premier League Is Going To The Dogs If We Let The Welsh In - Says Bigot

Even Cardiff appeared to be in celebratory mood, as Swansea City secured promotion to the Premier League, courtesy of a 4-2 victory over Reading at Wembley on Bank Holiday Monday. However, the Swans' ascent into the top flight has not been univers...
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Funny story: Pippa Middleton eyes Nadal's awesome ballgame

Pippa Middleton eyes Nadal's awesome ballgame

Paris - "You're not supposed to say 'Her Nipples Stood Out Like Perky Ripe Acorns' as Pippa eyed Nadal's thrusting ballgame," a microblogger has warned adoring tennis fans. "It's more like 'Succulent Raspberries In The Summer Sunshine', guys!" ano...
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Funny story: Sarah Palin Jumps on Glenn Beck's 1791 Bandwagon

Sarah Palin Jumps on Glenn Beck's 1791 Bandwagon

Glenn Beck's battle cry for a return to the original bill of rights posted in 1791 has won another supporter in Sarah Palin as she campaigns, but isn't really campaigning across the United States. Reportedly feeling the outcry from gaggles of unha...
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Funny story: Enforcement Droid ED-209 Kills Company Executive In Horrific Demonstration

Enforcement Droid ED-209 Kills Company Executive In Horrific Demonstration

ED-209, the futuristic police Enforcement Droid designed and operated by OCP, today went berserk and killed a high ranking company executive. The board meeting was going well, when Senior President Dick Jones demonstrated his latest creation, the...
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Funny story: Yet Another Rampant 'Weiner' on the Loose in NYC SEX Scandal; But is it Kosher?

Yet Another Rampant 'Weiner' on the Loose in NYC SEX Scandal; But is it Kosher?

New York City has taken center stage in the past weeks due to an outbreak of rampant weiners allegedly attacking hotel chambermaids, and this week Congressman Anthony Weiner has had his Wiener, although cloaked and dressing left, allegedly appearing...
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Funny story: Farty Arse Comes Up Trumps!

Farty Arse Comes Up Trumps!

Accrington man, Farty Arse, who changed his name by deed poll from Julius Woodbine in 1997 has come up trumps on the National Lottery after netting a cool five hundred pounds on a scratch card. Mr Arse - unemployed since 1979 - excitedly revealed...
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Funny story: 12 Great First Dates

12 Great First Dates

Because dinner and a movie just don't cut it any more. 1. Meet. Interact. Communicate. Intuit. Associate. Amuse. Delight. Bewilder. Surprise. Astonish. Wonder. Prostate massage. 2. Buy a gun / Steal a car / Try to run / but you don't get far ... 3. Floss date. Do you like cinnamon-flavored dental floss? (Like a coffee date except…) 4. You meet for services at some funky unfamiliar chur...
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Funny story: Carlos Tevez Threatens to Eat Four Cucumbers and a Tomato if Manchester City Don't Shape Up

Carlos Tevez Threatens to Eat Four Cucumbers and a Tomato if Manchester City Don't Shape Up

Argentinian mercenary Manchester City footballer, Carlos Tevez, has threatened to eat four cucumbers and a tomato if Sheikh Mansour doesn't shape up and increase his wages by a staggering 250% It is thought that Tevez's agent believes that his cli...
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Funny story: European Cucumber E-Coli Source Found and Resolved

European Cucumber E-Coli Source Found and Resolved

World Health Organization teams quickly deployed out to farms and packaging plants to determine the source of the tainted tubers, and have reported a successful intervention in the inspection, cleaning and packaging methods of at least two major fres...
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Funny story: California 'Summer Triangle' UFO warns of solar eclipse tremors

California 'Summer Triangle' UFO warns of solar eclipse tremors

Oakland, Ca - A California UFO may be trying to make contact to warn about a predicted massive earthquake around June 1st's Gemini solar eclipse. The three-pronged aerial light formation, mimicking the geometry of the Summer Triangle asterism, has...
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Funny story: Concern As Football Supporter Defections Reach New High

Concern As Football Supporter Defections Reach New High

Football supporters' clubs have expressed concern about the ease with which fans now switch club allegiances. 'It's changing the face of football,' lamented George "Kicker" Boot, the supporters' club chairman of, bottom of League Two, Stockport Co...
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Funny story: Jim Tressel Opens Ohio State University Sportswear and Memorabilia Store

Jim Tressel Opens Ohio State University Sportswear and Memorabilia Store

Following Tressel's resignation as head coach of The Ohio State University football program, he has announced the grand opening of a sportswear and OSU memorabilia store in Columbus. Selling everything from replica Ohio State jerseys and college l...
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Funny story: Hollywood Solves Greek Bond Issue with Actor Billy Zane

Hollywood Solves Greek Bond Issue with Actor Billy Zane

The benefits of abbreviated headlines and cell phone based news snippets were brought into question again this weekend, as news of Greek bond issues hit the airwaves, and several entertainment industry executives were made to look like idiots. As...
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Funny story: Local Man Unimpressed By 3D Johnny Depp Pirate Movie

Local Man Unimpressed By 3D Johnny Depp Pirate Movie

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was treated to his first 3D cinematic experience last night, when he attended a local theatre to see Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz in Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Initial reports indicate that Shuttlec...
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Funny story: Sepp Blatter faces long, hard election to FIFA

Sepp Blatter faces long, hard election to FIFA

Sepp Blatter, chief gropenfuhrer of football association FIFA, faced an uphill struggle in the presidential election for the organisation. With a huge field of candidates of just himself for the post, including current incumbent Said Bladder, and...
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Funny story: Paul Scholes Retires and jumps at coaching role

Paul Scholes Retires and jumps at coaching role

Carrot top Paul Scholes has finally called it quits and announced his long awaited retirement as a professional footballer. Starting his career at Manchester United in 1994, he has played at the top level in 676 games. Alex Ferguson said over t...
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Funny story: Sepp Blatter denies 'having it off' with camel

Sepp Blatter denies 'having it off' with camel

FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to be hauled before by The Ethics Committee again. Despite body swerving the bung charges, Sheep Bleater's recent 'activities' are making him look like a 'goner'. The 'football Godfather' is being accused by a s...
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Funny story: Michael Owen eager to offset future medical bills with extended Man U stay

Michael Owen eager to offset future medical bills with extended Man U stay

Out-of-contract striker Michael Owen has re-iterated his desire to offset his future medical bills by extending the amount of time he has spent in the luxuriant surroundings of Manchester United's treatment room by a further year. The 31-year-old,...
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Funny story: Obama Nukes suitcase found in Irish Pub

Obama Nukes suitcase found in Irish Pub

The suitcase which allows the US President to activate nuclear weapons has been found in an Irish Pub. "We found the suitcase and threw it into the cloakroom to see if anyone would come and collect it. It didn't cross our minds that it would actu...
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Funny story: Kenny Miller In Race Row

Kenny Miller In Race Row

Scotland's Kenny Miller has provoked a race row after suggesting that referee Mark Whitby disallowed a penalty claim and also booked the striker in Sunday's Carling Nations Cup fixture because he's Scottish. The former Rangers forward was incensed...
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Funny story: Al the Donut Maker Retires

Al the Donut Maker Retires

Phoenix AZ: Al the Donut Maker, a tireless worker for the Senator John McCain for President Republican Campaign in 2008, has retired. Al plans to live comfortably here, even though he is not rich enough to qualify for a tax on the wealthy. At his...
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Funny story: Jordan Applies For US Visa

Jordan Applies For US Visa

Jordan has finally decided she has had enough of living in the spotlight and wants to quit the UK. "I am sick and tired of being followed and pointed at everywhere I go. So I have decided to live in a country where I will have more privacy." An...
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Funny story: Brokeback wheelchair

Brokeback wheelchair

Famous liberal director Jalbert Smitt is due to release his latest masterpiece - a cowboy film with a twist. It aims to shed light on untold story of the disabled cowboys who lived in the Wild West. "The Good, The Bad and The Handicapped" features...
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Funny story: Scouse Funny Man Admits To Being A Bee Gee

Scouse Funny Man Admits To Being A Bee Gee

Liverpool comedian John Bishop has finally admitted to the worst kept secret in show biz. He used to be a Bee Gee. In fact he is Barry Gibb. "I spent thousands on face lifts and plastic surgery but my true identity was exposed by my dental record...
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Funny story: Cheryl Cole Quits Showbiz

Cheryl Cole Quits Showbiz

After being shockingly axed from US X=ZZZ Factor because American's claimed they couldn't understand which country she was from, and missing her chance to make over a Billion Pounds by returning to the UK Show, Cheryl Cole has decided to quit the e...
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Funny story: New Grimsby buses to run on farts

New Grimsby buses to run on farts

It was announced today that Stagecoach Grimsby and Cleethorpes are going Eco friendly with the purchase of 10 methane run vehicles, The buses are due in July and follows Stagecoach Lincoln's purchase of Bio Methane vehicles. The Grimsby buses w...
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Funny story: FIFA Corruption Scandal Continues: 2022 World Cup to be played on the Moon

FIFA Corruption Scandal Continues: 2022 World Cup to be played on the Moon

FIFA has had its reputation damaged recently by charges of corruption and vicious rumours. It has been alleged that Qatar managed to buy the rights to host the 2022 World Cup, but that is just allegedly! Boss of FIFA Sepp Blatter this weekend bega...
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Funny story: Abramovich is Turkey slapped by Guus Hiddink

Abramovich is Turkey slapped by Guus Hiddink

With the parting company of Chelsea and Anchelotti, Roman Abramovich is yet again in the market for a new manager. Roman has been through more managers than David Ginola has had hairbrushes. One manager that did make a lasting impression was Du...
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Funny story: Imogen Thomas 'smooth minge' cover up.

Imogen Thomas 'smooth minge' cover up.

Buxom Welsh Footballer's 'wife' Imogen Thomas has denied that her name is an anagram of A Smooth Minge. She has instructed top law firm, Shillings Pound and Pence to defend her 'good name'. Top brass Nick Shilling has taken out a super injuncti...
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Funny story: LeAnn Rimes Explains Her Anorexic Look

LeAnn Rimes Explains Her Anorexic Look

CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - LeAnn Rimes recently stated that she no longer finds it amusing to be known as a 'husband-stealer.' The singer of such song hits as "Blue," "Unchained Melody," "Blue Denim Britches," "Swingin" and the follow up "Swingin Wi...
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Funny story: Live Music Events Boost UK Economy

Live Music Events Boost UK Economy

A major survey has revealed that live music events contribute almost £1 billion to the UK economy. The survey was commissioned by UK Music, an organisation that represents the commercial aspects of the music industry in Britain. While much of t...
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Funny story: Man Utd Premier League Trophy Parade

Man Utd Premier League Trophy Parade

Despite bad weather, Man Utd fans braved the elements to cheer their heroes as the team took to the streets on an open topped bus and showed off the Premier League trophy. Half a million Red Devils supporters lined the streets of London as the bus...
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Funny story: Selena Gomez Says She Hates All of The Hate Mail She Has Been Receiving Because She Is Justin Bieber's Girlfriend

Selena Gomez Says She Hates All of The Hate Mail She Has Been Receiving Because She Is Justin Bieber's Girlfriend

MAUI, Hawaii - One of the happiest couples in America has been having a great time swimming and frolicking on the beautiful Hawaiian beaches. Justin Bieber and his girlfriend Selena Gomez are no longer trying to hide the fact that they are indeed...
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Funny story: Brad Pitt Announces That He Is Seriously Thinking About Asking Angelina Jolie To Marry Him

Brad Pitt Announces That He Is Seriously Thinking About Asking Angelina Jolie To Marry Him

NEW ORLEANS - Brad Pitt was in the Big Easy visiting an old director friend of his when he suddenly revealed an astonishing bit of information. According to The West Coast Flaming Gazette, the actor who is 47, and has been living with actress Ange...
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Funny story: A Grisly Gastronomical Guide To Ghastly American Food

A Grisly Gastronomical Guide To Ghastly American Food

There are many who come to our American shores think they are arriving at a Shangri-La where everyone dines off a silver spoon and delicious, filling, nutritious meals are only a refrigerator away from their satin bedecked table. Many possessing these TV Land illusions come from places where food is still picked directly from trees or fields and are surprised to find that here it comes in colo...
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