Spoof news stories from Monday 28 April 2003
When I first beat the shit out of Peter Parker, it felt good. He'd been spying on us for a while, taking snapshots on the streets, up the stairwell to our apartment, even from outside the apartment window - and we live on the forty-second floor! God knows how he got out there... But yeah, I ripped into the son of a bitch outside McDonalds. He was taking a photo of me eating a Bac...
I was one of the fortunate few invited to the opening of a brand new franchise, "Eye-Tooth". The franchise of 12 shops are owned by Jacob Dereki, a successful mime artist from a village just outside of Giza, Egypt. The concept of the franchise is to allow the trading of eyes and teeth, but the most novel twist of "Eye-Tooth" is the sales method involved.
I don't believe in giving animals these 'crazy' pet names, like Golfer, Goldie and Foo-foo. Animals should be called real names like Joanne, David, Steve or Angie. My dog is called Steve, and my wife has a cat called Angie.