Spoof news stories from Friday 5 October 2001
The new Mark Wahlberg movie Planet of the Apes has come under fire for adding to a teenage boys sexual confusion.
A woman is distraught after discovering that her husband doesn't close his eyes any more when she kisses his lips.
In a dramatic change of heart, Boyzone member Stephen Gately is poised to announce that he is straight.
United Nations President Kofi Annan issued a plea for calm today amid claims that disgraced former Tory MP Neil Hamilton and his wife Christine sexually assaulted the island of Tonganoma during an official government visit in 1993.
Police are to launch an investigation after a boy of 12 told them an elderly actor had been stalking him at a rugby match. The incident took place at Esher rugby ground in Surrey last month.
Cumbria farmer Arthur Sidebottom today shocked the agricultural community by suggesting radical reforms as the county's farmers prepare to restock their farms following the foot-and-mouth crisis.
Prime Minister Tony Blair today defended his government's apparent U-turn on allowing NHS patients to be treated abroad. "We are a pan European community," said Mr Blair. "Why shouldn't patients be treated in Germany or Franc...
The National intern shortage worsened last night as new appointments fell for the third time in as many months.
A teenager yesterday admitted that a ludicrously stupid stunt he had pulled was completely his own idea and not at all influenced by TV or films.
Star Trek fans reacted with horror today as the US Federal Court returned a guilty verdict against the show's producers over cruelty to crewmembers in red sweaters.
CBS' The Late Show with David Letterman has emerged the victor in the most heated jokes auction in entertainment history.
A simple numerical test has proven that 14 year old Kayleigh Roberts of Atlanta, Georgia is 76% compatible with the actor Josh Hartnett.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the biggest interstellar grave robbery, since the rape of the fifth moon of Pluto, was executed by a fiendish and conniving weasel named George Lucas.
Phillip Morris is sueing Arnold Schwazeneggar for breach of contract. It seems the giant tobacco company contracted Arnold as it's spokesperson for it's new line of cigar, The Terminator.
As confusion hangs over their entry into the English Premiership, Celtic and Rangers have turned elsewhere in their desperate attempt to finish 7th and 8th in the league by moving to America to join one of the successful Rollerball leagues.
An installation by renowned artist Herman Footzgerbil at the Tate Gallery was today exposed as a forgery. 'Bedsheet Rockery' a pile of rocks covered by a bedsheet, was discovered not to be by Footzgerbil but by a master-forger named Ron McTas...
At an Art Student Degree show yesterday "Bus Ticket" by Jimmy Trucker won all honours available. Esteemed critic, Hersh Klownofski said, "Look at the beautiful use of colours, purple on white. Visionary. This piece really speaks to me.
A survey published this week has found the state of British dance music to be very unhealthy.
Nelson Mandela and Bill Clinton, two diametrically opposite characters, were exposed by a White House 'insider', who allegedly claims that they had 'sex' in the Oval Office.
Who would have thought that these two arch rivals would agree to do a movie together? Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis team up in this years comedy adventure Lil Dicks.
The House of Commons, that most respectable assembly that governs the once glorious country of Great Britain, gave its unqualified support for compulsory drugs testing, yesterday.
A team of British scientists will announce a major breakthrough in the study of animal communications in a report to be published later today.
The jolly green giant has tested positive in a random drugs test last night. Police say they have detected large amounts of the growth-inducing steroid Amoxoflacin in his blood.
Geriatric computer users are forming a world-wide revolution against pimply-faced know-it-all's in local ISP tech support companies.
Kids all over Britain are rejecting the MTV culture that has been so prominent among the yoof since the 1980s. These kids, known by many as the 'Lost Tongue-Studs', were saved from desperation only by forming a cult around the hard-nosed pol...
Scientists have messed up again! Their normally normal complexions have turned reddish due to embarrassment. The Armageddonistic theory of Global Warming was a scamfake cunningly constructed by a man who works in a field! The evildoers behind this sc...
The world is in the midst of a terrorist crisis. The implications of this are now apparently going to be much more serious after it was discovered that many groups are planning "border burning", which can cause all kinds of logistical chao...
Baggies boss Gary Megson is reportedly preparing £250000 bid for Exeter striker Steve Flack.
Shocking news for all us news fans. Some buffed-up critic called Funky Spyglass has described our television as "pap" and the Internet as "useless".
According to prophecies by Nostradamus, uncovered for the first time since the 16th century, Uri Gellar is set to rise to prominence in the world of astrophysics, and become one of the most under-estimated minds in history.
A young couple paid the ultimate price for trying to sneak out of a restaurant last weekend without paying their bill.
It has emerged from Eastern Europe that the mullet was actually a figment of the Western imagination.
Pop, the cheeky little fella from the Rice Krispies adverts, has been mauled to death by Tony the Tiger following years of enforced vegetarianism.
Bert Wilson claimed that he was the victim of a cruel prank, carried out by alien beings.
Channel 4 is working on a new hip-hop version of the popular numbers and letters game Countdown which will be called Word.