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Celebituaries: Jimi Heselden - Segway to Heaven
Segway inventor Jimi Heselden drives off cliff to death. You couldn't make it up. And neither could he. Suggestions for funeral music haven't gone much further than "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds.
Celebituaries: Roll Over, Bale-hoven
Mike Edwards, cellist with Electric Light Orchestra from 1972-5, has died in a freak "runaway hay bale" accident. Police are trying to trace his next of kin, but are said to be clutching at straws.
South Korea "lost" rocket latest
News just in: North Korea finds it.
English Heritage unveils blue plaque at secret agent's home
We could tell you where it is, but then we'd have to shoot you ...
Celebituaries: Ch-Ch-Ch-Charlie Gillett, Charlie Gillett
Gillett famously produced the only Vietnam-themed electro UK number one single, for Paul Hardcastle, featuring samples of war reportage. Gillett was n-n-n-sixty-eight (c) Tony Hawks, n-n-n-1988.
Celebituaries: Sick Foot under
Veteran politician, orator and former Labour Party leader Michael Foot has died at 96 after a long illness. Socialism in mainstream British politics pre-deceased him by over 13 years. Both are missed.
White powder drug of choice
For those surviving "snowmageddon" and "snowpocalypse", physicians recommend new medication: Snowvocaine.
Celebituaries: Roger Barltrop - correction
Our man in Fiji, thanks to an army coup, "went to bed as a high commissioner and rose an ambassador," not: "went to bed high with Rose and commissioned an ambassador."
Google confirms Rickroll removal from YouTube "just the start"
Google has tired of bankrolling the Rickroll phenomenon. In a YouTube interview, Google's head of rolling heads cursed the grey-haired, blue-eyed soulster.
Celebituaries: Dawn Brancheau - whale meet again
Dawn, a 40-year-old whale trainer died at the SeaWorld park in Orlando, Florida after being attacked by a 12,000lb, 5,450kg orca called Tilikum. An orca - you know, they're the black & white ones ...
Celebituaries: Strictly Comedian Dying
Musical comedian and former dance contestant Jason Wood has died at 38. Death's spokesman, Graeme Reaper, said Bruce Forsyth (82) had been the scythe's target but the spritely hoofer wrong-footed him.
Forces of Hell deny UK chancellor's claim
A spokesman for Hell has ridiculed claims by Alistair Darling that its forces are at Gordon Brown's disposal. Brian El Zebub said: "Heaven will be pretty toasty before we stop working for the Tories."
Ofsted criticism: 67% of three Rs are mis-spelled
Education watchdog Ofsted launches scathing, well-punctuated attack on national schemes to improve literacy and numeracy. A spokesman said: "We need fewer central government interventions, not less."
Celebituaries: Alexander Haig, arbiter of Argy-bargy
Prime minister Gordon Brown has paid tribute to Haig, saying: "More of his shuttle diplomacy and a 'Falklands Effect' before May were my last chance of winning the election," adding: "I see no ships!"
Carey Mulligan terrified of BAFTA statuette
Mulligan, Sally Sparrow in spooky Doctor Who episode "Blink", is reportedly terrified of her BAFTA after David Tennant warned the creepy mask would come alive if she shut her eyes, even for a moment.
Bully of 10 Downing Street revealed
Previously thought to be a fictional character, spin doctor Malcolm Tucker said if I broke the news, he'd take my nuts and shove them so far up my arse that squirrels would eat them from my mouth.
British/Georgian collaboration sleighs 'em in Vancouver
Amy Williams has won a gold medal for Britain in the women's skeleton event at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. The skeleton used by Williams was that of the late Olympic luger Nodar Kumaritashvili.
Celebituaries: Alexander McQueen
Paramedics arrived on the scene and pronounced McQueen fashionably late. Although he came out of the closet in a body bag by Versace, the clothing innovator will now be limited to a wooden overcoat.
Celebituaries: Walter Frederick Morrison
The inventor of the frisbee has died, aged 90. He is hoping to come back as a boomerang.
Celebituaries: Claude Levi-Strauss
Anthropologist Levi-Strauss, best known for tracing the modern Frenchman back to the cheese-eating surrender monkey, has died at 100. The centurion also lent his name to a well-worn brand of genes.
Renault to blame for stock market crash
Errrmmm, that's all I have, folks!
Klum on Seal: the noise
The Spoof cornered heavily-pregnant Heidi Klum on the red carpet recently. Our roving reporter asked: "Is it Seal's?" The model replied: "No, the scan showed it's a human baby, and there's only one."
Celebituaries: Patrick Swayze's last words made public
Patrick Swayze's last words believed to be: "I've had the time of my li-i-ife." Dirty Dancing star's death ups demand for his other films: retailers expect to see Swayze's Ghost fly off their shelves.
Celebituaries: Floyd on Fire
Flamboyant TV celebrity chef Keith Floyd has died, aged 65. Tributes to the marriage-addicted, animated old soak have poured in like fine wine. He will be cremated once a long enough match is found.
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