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Celebituaries: Jimi Heselden - Segway to Heaven

Segway inventor Jimi Heselden drives off cliff to death. You couldn't make it up. And neither could he. Suggestions for funeral music haven't gone much further than "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds.

written by neilwatson, 27 September 2010
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Celebituaries: Roll Over, Bale-hoven

Mike Edwards, cellist with Electric Light Orchestra from 1972-5, has died in a freak "runaway hay bale" accident. Police are trying to trace his next of kin, but are said to be clutching at straws.

written by neilwatson, 06 September 2010
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South Korea "lost" rocket latest

News just in: North Korea finds it.

written by neilwatson, 10 June 2010
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English Heritage unveils blue plaque at secret agent's home

We could tell you where it is, but then we'd have to shoot you ...

written by neilwatson, 31 March 2010
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Celebituaries: Ch-Ch-Ch-Charlie Gillett, Charlie Gillett

Gillett famously produced the only Vietnam-themed electro UK number one single, for Paul Hardcastle, featuring samples of war reportage. Gillett was n-n-n-sixty-eight (c) Tony Hawks, n-n-n-1988.

written by neilwatson, 19 March 2010
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Celebituaries: Sick Foot under

Veteran politician, orator and former Labour Party leader Michael Foot has died at 96 after a long illness. Socialism in mainstream British politics pre-deceased him by over 13 years. Both are missed.

written by neilwatson, 04 March 2010
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White powder drug of choice

For those surviving "snowmageddon" and "snowpocalypse", physicians recommend new medication: Snowvocaine.

written by neilwatson, 28 February 2010
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Celebituaries: Roger Barltrop - correction

Our man in Fiji, thanks to an army coup, "went to bed as a high commissioner and rose an ambassador," not: "went to bed high with Rose and commissioned an ambassador."

written by neilwatson, 27 February 2010
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Google confirms Rickroll removal from YouTube "just the start"

Google has tired of bankrolling the Rickroll phenomenon. In a YouTube interview, Google's head of rolling heads cursed the grey-haired, blue-eyed soulster.

written by neilwatson, 25 February 2010
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Celebituaries: Dawn Brancheau - whale meet again

Dawn, a 40-year-old whale trainer died at the SeaWorld park in Orlando, Florida after being attacked by a 12,000lb, 5,450kg orca called Tilikum. An orca - you know, they're the black & white ones ...

written by neilwatson, 25 February 2010
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Celebituaries: Strictly Comedian Dying

Musical comedian and former dance contestant Jason Wood has died at 38. Death's spokesman, Graeme Reaper, said Bruce Forsyth (82) had been the scythe's target but the spritely hoofer wrong-footed him.

written by neilwatson, 24 February 2010
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Forces of Hell deny UK chancellor's claim

A spokesman for Hell has ridiculed claims by Alistair Darling that its forces are at Gordon Brown's disposal. Brian El Zebub said: "Heaven will be pretty toasty before we stop working for the Tories."

written by neilwatson, 24 February 2010
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Ofsted criticism: 67% of three Rs are mis-spelled

Education watchdog Ofsted launches scathing, well-punctuated attack on national schemes to improve literacy and numeracy. A spokesman said: "We need fewer central government interventions, not less."

written by neilwatson, 24 February 2010
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Celebituaries: Alexander Haig, arbiter of Argy-bargy

Prime minister Gordon Brown has paid tribute to Haig, saying: "More of his shuttle diplomacy and a 'Falklands Effect' before May were my last chance of winning the election," adding: "I see no ships!"

written by neilwatson, 22 February 2010
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Carey Mulligan terrified of BAFTA statuette

Mulligan, Sally Sparrow in spooky Doctor Who episode "Blink", is reportedly terrified of her BAFTA after David Tennant warned the creepy mask would come alive if she shut her eyes, even for a moment.

written by neilwatson, 22 February 2010
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Bully of 10 Downing Street revealed

Previously thought to be a fictional character, spin doctor Malcolm Tucker said if I broke the news, he'd take my nuts and shove them so far up my arse that squirrels would eat them from my mouth.

written by neilwatson, 22 February 2010
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British/Georgian collaboration sleighs 'em in Vancouver

Amy Williams has won a gold medal for Britain in the women's skeleton event at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. The skeleton used by Williams was that of the late Olympic luger Nodar Kumaritashvili.

written by neilwatson, 20 February 2010
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Celebituaries: Alexander McQueen

Paramedics arrived on the scene and pronounced McQueen fashionably late. Although he came out of the closet in a body bag by Versace, the clothing innovator will now be limited to a wooden overcoat.

written by neilwatson, 12 February 2010
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Celebituaries: Walter Frederick Morrison

The inventor of the frisbee has died, aged 90. He is hoping to come back as a boomerang.

written by neilwatson, 12 February 2010
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Celebituaries: Claude Levi-Strauss

Anthropologist Levi-Strauss, best known for tracing the modern Frenchman back to the cheese-eating surrender monkey, has died at 100. The centurion also lent his name to a well-worn brand of genes.

written by neilwatson, 04 November 2009
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Renault to blame for stock market crash

Errrmmm, that's all I have, folks!

written by neilwatson, 22 September 2009
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Klum on Seal: the noise

The Spoof cornered heavily-pregnant Heidi Klum on the red carpet recently. Our roving reporter asked: "Is it Seal's?" The model replied: "No, the scan showed it's a human baby, and there's only one."

written by neilwatson, 22 September 2009
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Celebituaries: Patrick Swayze's last words made public

Patrick Swayze's last words believed to be: "I've had the time of my li-i-ife." Dirty Dancing star's death ups demand for his other films: retailers expect to see Swayze's Ghost fly off their shelves.

written by neilwatson, 15 September 2009
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Celebituaries: Floyd on Fire

Flamboyant TV celebrity chef Keith Floyd has died, aged 65. Tributes to the marriage-addicted, animated old soak have poured in like fine wine. He will be cremated once a long enough match is found.

written by neilwatson, 15 September 2009
Showing page 1 (of 3 pages)


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