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After causing a fire in Twickenham Nutella pots are now to be issued with a fire warning!!
Other glass pots not until they cause a fire too!
Burnt to a crisp like Jordan!
Sunbed after sunbed, beach after beach, white turning brown and red attempting to look like Jordan! Is it worth it? Ask your oncologist!
Sikh people save indigenous Brits!
The world has turned a full circle, Brits raped, pillaged and robbed during the RAJ and now Sikhs living in Britain are helping down and out Brits to get a decent meal! Double standards maybe?
Canadian MP's pants are too tight!
Pat Martin, Canadian MP, rushed out of a critical debate because his pants were too tight! He bought them at a renowned discounter called L++l and L++l never sell fart proof products, cheapskate!
Sacre Bleu! Chelsea yobs in Paris show true colours!
Moronic, racist, Chelsea fans abused a black commuter on the metro, sung a racist song in his face and threw him off the train! They showed their true colours, not BLUE power more like white power!
Italians racist? Never!
Arrigo Sacchi, Italian soccer coach has proved to the world what we knew already and dared not to mention, Italy are home to a bunch of racists and for further proof join the Lazio Roma hooligan club!
Martians kicking up dust on Mars (where else?)!
Cape Kennedy scientists observing massive clouds of dust on Mars have no clue why the planet is exploding, but secret reports from incarcerated inhabitants in Area 51 point to a Martian outburst?
Terrorist attack Legoland!
A bunch of brain-damaged juveniles attacked Legoland in Denmark today and after throwing fireworks at Tower Bridge were escorted out, before being thrown out they yelled; Internet is God not Lego!
True Brit, Bo Jo, is a damn Yank!
Mayor of London, staunch conservative, and true dark blue Brit, Bo Jo, is planning to become a Brit? Actually he is a Yank and we Brits really do not want him here!
A 'clit' too far!
Yoga pants revealing the outlines of womens clits and mens favourite toys are to be banned in London! "They are disgusting in public" claimed Reverend Sebastian Suckcock, but in my private study, WOW!
Cameron's new policy; moronic!
David Cameron's latest policy is to force all obese people, junkies, alcoholics, and other low life back to work! He has forgot one thing; nobody in their right mind wants to employ them!!
US is a drought stricken zone!
US scientists believing that the US could turn into one huge desert refuse to travel further north than Las Vegas; it rains too much there and those damn snow blizzards!
Smoking in cars in England, forbidden!!
From October 2015 it is no longer allowed to smoke in cars! Sex in the backseat, blow-jobs in the front seat will also be banned, but the police promise to be lenient as long as they can watch!
Louis van Gaal has long balls!
LVG has told the world he has long balls but only after 70 minutes, before that he prefers the short, sharp version whilst tea-bagging with the missus!
cockroach found in curry!
Punters eating at a Manchester Indian found a cockroach in their curry and asked why? The owner said, "we have no bleach to put down the bogs and I'd rather have roaches without bad breath anyway!"
Greece refuse to bow to Merkel!
Greece refuses to bow to Merkel's demands and now she is getting really serious!Angie has threatened to get out her Dominatrix whip and spank their bums if they don't pay up!
Straw houses on sale in the UK!
Credit wolves, bank crisis, corrupt Building Societies and bank managers have launched a new project in the UK; houses made of straw! 3 piggies took up an option and got blown away!
Birth of a Nation!
More like 'Miscarriage of a nation!"
Global warming in Sevilla causing havoc!
Sevilla has been covered by a blanket of white stuff and the weekend Flamenco dancing might be cancelled! It seems that castanets and male Flamenco dancers cojones do not function under -10 degrees!
The rain in Spain; no the snow!
Rain in Spain falling on the plain has now turned to snow and Spanish people not used to the stuff are hoping to offer Brits package sledging holidays with apres ski instead of boozy, Beach Bumming!
My condolences to the family of brave Jordanian pilot, Moaz al-Kasasbeh, a very sad day. And I also send my heartfelt condolences to other victims of ISIS, their barbaric acts are beyond belief!
Things are hotting up in eastern Ukraine!
Putin is making sure that the world continues to tumble towards a non-return precipice by supporting the Ukraine separatists; let's hope Kim Jong-un supplies the Ukrainians with weapons not us!
Man shags Dolphin!!
A pervert claimed a female dolphin in Florida tempted him to have sex with her! Now sheep shagging is bad enough, but sex with a dolphin, AAAAAAAGH! Next time please try a Great White!
Superbowl entertainment for the FA Cup Final!
The spectacular half-time Superbowl entertainment has been bought by the FA! Sadly, no Lenny Cravitz or Katie Perry (Who?) only Paul Potts and Susan Boyle, WOW, sensational half-time fun guaranteed!
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