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Claudio Ranieri wins English 2017 "Sack Race!"
An unexpected rank outsider has won England's annual 2017 Sack Race, Claudio Ranieri! He won the title alone after being a mega-winner twice, 1st time the Premiership, 2nd time lining his pocket!
David Cassidy; who?
Ageing pop star and member of the Cuckoo, Turkey, Chicken, bla, bla Family (Now what the fuck was their name?) has admitted he has forgotten who he is, thank heavens we have too!
Russian billionaire hits Rock of Gibralter with his super-yacht!
Russian billionaire, Andrey Melnichenko, hit the rock of Gibralter with his super-yacht after failing to pay a paltry $16 million bill to a German company! Monkey nuts to some, Coconuts to others!
My Friend Cayla and Chucky join dark forces!
It seems dolls aint quite what they used to be as My Friend Cayla and Chucky joined dark forces to scare the crap out of kiddies hooked on the internet! Satan has great ways of curing mobile madness!
Eurovision Song Contest; no more!!
The Annual Atrocity Exhibition, The Eurovision Song Contest is no more, doctors and scientists claim it is a health hazard causing vomiting, nausea, heart-attacks and high blood pressure and earache!
Kim Jong-UN is a reincarnated Blofeld!
Bond enemy, Blofeld, + white pussy, has been reincarnated and is now Kim Jong-Un! Sean Connery reacted on his 83rd birthday and sung a U2 classic, "with or without me You're a loser and mega pants!"
Qatar finance minister claims slaves are just too damn expensive!
$500 million bucks a day is the price of hosting the World cup 2022 and Ali al-Emadi claims it's the slaves fault who are demanding wages; Allah forbid! Wages for slaves, never, whip the infidels!
Hair causes friction between US and Holland!
Geert Wilders, Dutch racist populist, claims his hair is better than Trump's bunch! Angry Trump replied, "where the fuck is Holland?" Geert replied, "I thought you studied US slave history!"
Fishnets or no fishnets, once a "hooker" always a "hooker!"
An Aussie pensioner has found a new "Hooker Mate" after the last one died; sadly, his new "Hooker Mate" lives 1600 miles away, but old fishers never die they just shake their worms and hook up!
Prince of Darkness empties his closet!
Rattling skeleton bones and skulls, Ozzy Osbourne has admitted he's not the Prince of Darkness! In face he's so demented he doesn't even know who Satan is and calls himself now "Prince of Pussies!"
Ugly yellow car causes village war in UK!
Bibury, UK, a quaint village, has become a war zone due to an ugly yellow car! The owner loves his car and called the villagers "Ugly yellow Ducklings!" His car is now drowning in the duck pond!
Bacon Butties in the US in danger of extinction!
Demand for Bacon Butties in the US has caused a near extinction of piggies! Peru offered to help by sending millions of Guinea Pigs for Bacon Butty production, but Trump is demanding 35% import tax!
Milky Boobs being controlled at European Airports!
European Airports are doing "squeeze titty controls" on women entering from the Far East without babies but with tits full of milk and a pump! Trump is demanding to control all "pussies" too!
Humpty Trumpty cracks it!
All the Queens horses and all the Queens men will have to put Humpty Trumpty together again after Brexit because nobody else will touch him and they have nobody else to glue!
Coca Cola banned in France! It causes too many Qui Qui's!
France have banned refills of sugared soft drinks because they make the French "Qui Qui" too much and their sugared "qui qui" is causing sewer rats to become obese!No more fat rats si'l vous plait!
Pink Floyd release new version of "The Wall"!
Ancient rockers Pink Floyd are about to make Trump feel "Uncomfortably Dumb" after releasing a new Mexican version of The Wall called Trumps Wall! Berliners are going "Mucho Loco!"
Bank robber Mr. Lawrence Ripple; hero or woozy?
70 year-old Kansas born Mr.Lawrence Ripple robbed a bank to escape beatings from his wife from HELL! Now is he a matcho hero or just a woozy? Depends on what side of the frying pan you are on I guess!
Theresa pulls the plug on Europe!
New Iron lady, Theresa May (no relation to Maggie), has pulled the plug on Europe and Europeans are hoping she disappears down her own plughole!
NWO! Trump & Putin jump into bed!
Trump has released his latest foreign policies and decided to target Merkel instead of attacking ISIS! He called her "an old bag!" Putin laughed and has promised solidarity to Trump in their NWO!
Portuguese Man o War v German Giant Eagle!
Manchester, 15/01 sees an apocalyptic clash of fallen red giants! Can the Portuguese Man o War repel the German Eagle swooping to reclaim a long lost crown? Red Devils v Red Pretenders, a win, win!
Rocky Trump Horror show opens in Washington!
Trump is determined to act like a seductive Tranny every time he confronts the world's press! Last night was his first performance as Rocky Trump Horror! It was a knock out success & Putin laughed too
KK robbed at gunpoint in Paris!
KK (name changed for legal reasons) was robbed of 10 kilos of her favorite jewelry in Paris! She thanked the robbers because now she feels 10 kilos lighter, and sod the money, she has enough!
Global warming threatens freezing Europe!
Another attack of global warming has descended upon Europe! In fact sitting here in Holland in my swimming trunks with a runny nose is not what they predicted!Let's hope they predict a new Ice Age!
Real life hijack becomes fantasy!
When does a real life hijack become reality? Ask Malta airport, they have all the answers...
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